I really must be any idiot. Like seriously, what was I thinking. I turned down a date with this nice guy, because I was thrown off by the idea of Cowboy coming home. Okay thrown off might be an understatement. I was literally sick to my stomach. Like monday, I did not go to work because I couldn't keep anything down from anxiety. Anyways, I had fully planned to go out of town this weekend. I was gonna go to Austin or visit the Giant, but alas my boss rejected my request to take off.
So I didn't get off work and I didn't go for drinks with the lawyer. I worked out after work and watched tv with my roomie. Then I laid in bed reading the best book ever. (well one of them) My phone was on silent (didn't want the lawyer drunk dialing me) I check my phone to see the time before I was ready to sleep and I see 5 missed calls and a new voicemail. All from the cowboy. And yep, those calls had just come in, so of course I listen to the voicemessage. He sounded sober, so I called him back. This is when the trouble occurred. We just started talking. He asked how I was, what I had been doing and such. I asked the same of him. We were catching up and it was going well. Then he makes a comment that we both love each other. He starts talking about how he misses me. How he has missed me every day. He confesses that he has signed on to his twitter every three days to stalk mine. He got upset about my facebook profile pic being with another guy. He admitted he had not dated anyone. He asked me if I had. I told him the truth. He told me about how he asked his best friend if he should get back together with me at least 35 times. He claimed he wanted to get back together. He said everything I ever wanted to hear. He talked about how his best friend (who hates me) knew that we would be back together eventually. He talked about trying to win over my siblings and family. He talked about his fears that my best friend hated him. He talked about how scared I sounded. He kept saying he loved me. He kept talking about having me in his arms. He made ridiculous promises. He promised never to hurt me again. He promised he would never give up on us. He promised that if our relationship didn't work out romantically he would do everything he could in order to still be friends with me because he loved me so much he couldn't fathom the idea of not being able to talk to me. He even promised he would see me the next day. He made me promise too. I said that if he called me, I would.
Well the next day occurred, I was tired and irritable. Thats what happens when you stay up until 4 AM on the phone with your exboyfriend. I got my work out in that morning, but had to cut it short. I got to work and had to deal with a mess that my coworker left me. I got bitched out by a client who wanted to talk to a manager, but my manager did not want to deal with it. Needless to say, it was a very shitty day indeed. Some of my colleagues had planned on getting drinks with me after work and since I was skeptical of Cowboy, I continued forward with this plan. I did think I would get a chance to go home and change, but I didn't. I wasn't dressed my best and I did not feel my best, but I went. I also thought that Cowboy would contact me when I got off work because he knew my schedule. It might sound foolish (since really it was predictable) but when it was 1030 and I had not heard from him, I was pissed. I text him asking if he had forgotten the promises he made. No response. I called him thinking he might be busy with his family and I was gonna leave a message. His mailbox was full. He never called back. I text one of his friends he had been the designated driver for that night he called me to see if he had really not drank anything. The guy said he didn't wanna get in the middle of things. Ironic since the reason I had the kids number was because he had given it to me when he tried to butt into our relationship and beg me to stay with Cowboy when he cheated on me. At this point, I was infuriated. How could he do this to me AGAIN? How could I let him? I had never agreed that we would get back together and yet somehow I felt like I was being rejected. I hate rejection. Especially when I feel that I did nothing wrong. Finally, I had to convince myself there was something wrong with him. To prove to myself he was in good health I called him from a blocked phone number (something he does to me ALL the time) and he answered. The moment he heard my voice he hung up. I hope I put the fear of blocked numbers in him as well. But clearly he is healthy and not dead in a ditch somewhere so I guess this is once again no fault but my own.
What had I done? I mean his words the night before were night and day literally. Was there something about stringing me along that he enjoyed? Was it just that he did not want me to be happy without him yet? Did he know that I have kinda been hanging out with other guys? Does he know that in life I am kicking ass and so he cannot have that? It was weird, he kept telling me how happy I sounded on the phone. I really do have it all. I mean I have a great job which I enjoy most days. I have the best friends and family in the world. I have a good body that I work hard to make better. I have an amazing personality and I am lucky to have natural beauty (sorry I am also not very humble) On top of all of that I have never ever had a hard time with obtains the males I want. Maybe he thinks I don't deserve all this? Maybe he just wants me to be as unhappy as his sad pathetic life is? I really wish I knew the answer, but let's face it I never will. I still don't wanna hate him, but for a while I probably will. I also know I don't wanna date anyone seriously still. I really just cannot wait to GTFOOH and start a new life. But alas, I gotta wait for that to happen for me. I will continue doing everything I can to push myself to be the best version of me, but I really do not want the distraction of him. Anyways, hopefully this will be my last blog for a while because I will be out living my life. That might not really be true, but it sounds good doesn't it?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Men
So it's been a little bit since I've posted. I guess part of that has been because I'm so busy. Between work and working out and my ridiculous social life it's been a bit tricky to fit more in. Also I didn't really have anything to say much about. Right now I do though. That being said let's get to it.
I love men. I really do. I love kissing them, dating them, being friends with them, sleeping with them, laughing with them. Whatever. You name it and I would probably enjoy it more with male occupancy involved. That being said men are pigs. It's revolting really how disgusting they are.
I dated a great guy for almost a yer so I am aware they can be a good thing. But also in that time I realized how not good some guys are. I have always had this problem with wanting to be liked. I'm an includer so I invite everyone everywhere and I feel that it's my job to make them enjoy it. I also feel rude not picking up the phone or not responding to texts or emails. That's probably where my downfall lies. I'm aware that with a personality like mine some might think there is more to our relationship than what I say there is, but the thing is when I openly state we are just friends there should be no delusions of my thoughts of you. The fact of the matter is if we get alone well enough and I'm attracted to you I will date you. If it doesn't work out we can still be friends (which is why most of my best guy friends are exes) BUT if I'm not dating you it's because I'm not into you. And this is where it gets interesting to me... If I'm not dating you then you don't get any of the benefits of dating me.
I don't understand how a guy would think that sending a disgusting dick pic would get something in return. Did I request that? Nope. Do I wanna look at that? Nope. Did I ever say anything to make you think I did? Nope. Do I ever send nude pictures out? No way! I don't even think my long distance boyfriend ever got any random nude photos from me. (maybe a partial because I'm nice, but seriously I truste him) so why do guys think it's okay to ask me for pictures? Or why do they think it's okay to send them to me? Did they learn nothin from Boehner? Icant even respond to such things because it grosses me out... And the. I feel rude. Stupid manners!!
On top of all of this, I don't want any of this scum texting me in the middle of the night. Or what worse, some of these guys did it even when I had a boyfriend. It didn't matter that I advised them of his gun collection. Guys are pigs.
The worst kind of guy are the ones in relationships that do this to me. I get frustrated with all the girlfriends o y guy friends because let's face it they hate me. But if they knew the nasty things their boyfriend said to me completely unwarranted then I would hate me too. I just don't understand it. I just want to lecture these guys in this way: You have a girlfriend. You claim you love her and yet you text me late at night or when your drunk or when you are horny or upset or whatever else. I am JUST A FRIEND. You could be single and I would still be just a friend. Why are you in an unhappy relationship and tryin to use me as a distraction? You realize that because of the way you talk to me while you are dating someone else that I would never date you right? I understand that your relationship has problems but talking to me about it instead of her is just going to make it worse. Okay just wanted to be clear.
I swear these fellas are idiots. Love the one you are with or don't be with them. It's simple. I guess this pisses me off a lot more than it should for a few personal reasons though. Honestly I hate that cowboy text another girl in that way when we were dating. I'm sure he didn't ask for pics or dirty text her or anything like that (I say im sure but really who knows anymore. I think he's a higher caliber than that but there's no guarantee) but it sickens me to think how I felt when I found out. When I read those texts I thought I was gonna through up. I couldnt eat for days. I wanted to kill him. So I guess that makes me think worse about these guys. The other thing about it that bugs me is that these guys seem to think I would do those things. I don't think they would ask if they didn't think they could get something from it, but why? What part of me gives off the "I'm gonna send you skanky pics and talk dirty to you" vibe? Is it my confidence? My demeanor? Does that fact that I think I'm sexy and good in bed make men think that I want to share that with them? Seriously I don't get it. I'm glad I give off the "I'm sexy and good in bed" vibe, but seriously that's not something that most know from. Experience.
Okay I'm getting to the rambling point so I'm gonna wrap it up, but really it's no wonder girls are so suspicious and crazy when all guys do things like this.
I love men. I really do. I love kissing them, dating them, being friends with them, sleeping with them, laughing with them. Whatever. You name it and I would probably enjoy it more with male occupancy involved. That being said men are pigs. It's revolting really how disgusting they are.
I dated a great guy for almost a yer so I am aware they can be a good thing. But also in that time I realized how not good some guys are. I have always had this problem with wanting to be liked. I'm an includer so I invite everyone everywhere and I feel that it's my job to make them enjoy it. I also feel rude not picking up the phone or not responding to texts or emails. That's probably where my downfall lies. I'm aware that with a personality like mine some might think there is more to our relationship than what I say there is, but the thing is when I openly state we are just friends there should be no delusions of my thoughts of you. The fact of the matter is if we get alone well enough and I'm attracted to you I will date you. If it doesn't work out we can still be friends (which is why most of my best guy friends are exes) BUT if I'm not dating you it's because I'm not into you. And this is where it gets interesting to me... If I'm not dating you then you don't get any of the benefits of dating me.
I don't understand how a guy would think that sending a disgusting dick pic would get something in return. Did I request that? Nope. Do I wanna look at that? Nope. Did I ever say anything to make you think I did? Nope. Do I ever send nude pictures out? No way! I don't even think my long distance boyfriend ever got any random nude photos from me. (maybe a partial because I'm nice, but seriously I truste him) so why do guys think it's okay to ask me for pictures? Or why do they think it's okay to send them to me? Did they learn nothin from Boehner? Icant even respond to such things because it grosses me out... And the. I feel rude. Stupid manners!!
On top of all of this, I don't want any of this scum texting me in the middle of the night. Or what worse, some of these guys did it even when I had a boyfriend. It didn't matter that I advised them of his gun collection. Guys are pigs.
The worst kind of guy are the ones in relationships that do this to me. I get frustrated with all the girlfriends o y guy friends because let's face it they hate me. But if they knew the nasty things their boyfriend said to me completely unwarranted then I would hate me too. I just don't understand it. I just want to lecture these guys in this way: You have a girlfriend. You claim you love her and yet you text me late at night or when your drunk or when you are horny or upset or whatever else. I am JUST A FRIEND. You could be single and I would still be just a friend. Why are you in an unhappy relationship and tryin to use me as a distraction? You realize that because of the way you talk to me while you are dating someone else that I would never date you right? I understand that your relationship has problems but talking to me about it instead of her is just going to make it worse. Okay just wanted to be clear.
I swear these fellas are idiots. Love the one you are with or don't be with them. It's simple. I guess this pisses me off a lot more than it should for a few personal reasons though. Honestly I hate that cowboy text another girl in that way when we were dating. I'm sure he didn't ask for pics or dirty text her or anything like that (I say im sure but really who knows anymore. I think he's a higher caliber than that but there's no guarantee) but it sickens me to think how I felt when I found out. When I read those texts I thought I was gonna through up. I couldnt eat for days. I wanted to kill him. So I guess that makes me think worse about these guys. The other thing about it that bugs me is that these guys seem to think I would do those things. I don't think they would ask if they didn't think they could get something from it, but why? What part of me gives off the "I'm gonna send you skanky pics and talk dirty to you" vibe? Is it my confidence? My demeanor? Does that fact that I think I'm sexy and good in bed make men think that I want to share that with them? Seriously I don't get it. I'm glad I give off the "I'm sexy and good in bed" vibe, but seriously that's not something that most know from. Experience.
Okay I'm getting to the rambling point so I'm gonna wrap it up, but really it's no wonder girls are so suspicious and crazy when all guys do things like this.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
FRUSTRATION &%^$*
I am super frustrated. Like that doesn't even begin to describe it. I really do NOT understand peoples actions.
That being said, I guess I have to explain some things. Welp, tonight is post night or whatever. It is the night that West Point men and women find out where they will be posted the first 3 years (post training) of their lives. At a time, this night was about where me and Cowboy would be starting our lives. Its SOOO NOT ANYMORE. I do not have a problem with that. I am a teensy bit melancholy, but thank the Lord that I don't have to move to some random Army base. I really don't think I am the Army wife type. I just don't wanna be put second like that all the time. I mean more power to those women, but not really my thing. I have BIG dreams and Fort Benning, GA and wherever else are not gonna be involved. Back to the point, so Cowboy figures out the beginning of his life tonight. In our break up and consequential "keeping in touch" business I made him promise me he would call me and tell me where he got. Last night was wine wednesday and that being the case, I sent him a text. Now this isn't saying I contact him all the time, because I dont. And actually if it was up to me we would NEVER had talked again after we broke up because I was doing just fine without him, but he felt the need to tell me how he missed me and blah blah blah. Anywaysers, my friends had been telling me about how indecisive his facebook was about where he wanted to go. He was asking for advice on light or heavy or asking if he knew people at certain places. My text was about those things. One of the reasons we broke up was so we couldn't hold each other back from our dreams. But him asking all that was like him holding himself back. He knows what he wants. He just needs to decide to take it (this is like that creepy guy from season 5 of dexter "TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!") I text him saying basically follow your heart. I think he is forgetting that he will do amazingly no matter where he goes. He doesn't need to follow all of his friends to Kansas just because it will be fun. Then they will just relive college and who needs that? Cowboy will be an officer now, not just a cadet. I don't want him forgetting that. I think if he can move on from me than why can't he move on from this college life? I guess once again, I just want the best for him. I dont care if thats in Alaska or Germany or maybe it really is in Kansas, but he needs to go where he wants for him not his friends. Additionally, I know more than anything the boy wants to go to war. I don't understand the desire, but people like him are very different than people like me and I am glad he is there to fight for us. Needless to say, I hope for him that he gets to. I hope that he kicks ass and takes names, but doesn't get hurt. I also hope he allows me to stay in touch with him while he is gone. I know that his "best friend" wont really be there because for her when he's out of sight he is pretty much out of mind. And his buddies are kinda slackers. Not sure how okay his parents would be with him gone, but I guess he will find out.
Anyways, I am pretty sure he told my friend he doesn't want me to contact him because he has moved on. Which good for him to claim. I have moved on too. It might not seem like it because I have a blog that has been primarily about him for the past couple weeks, but thats probably because this is it. I dont talk to my family, friends, or colleagues about him anymore for the most part. I also don't have any trouble not contacting him. The funny thing is, I thought he hated me for not contacting him. I thought he resented me for moving on and closing up shop. That was the whole point of my letter. I wanted to show him my little vulnerabilities with us so that he could know he wasn't alone if he was having a hard time. Now I am worried he thinks I want us to be together. I DONT. There are still things fundamentally wrong with our relationship. There are still things that I don't think I ever could get over. Clearly I need to mature some more and I am sure some day I will be over it, but I mean seriously I am not trying to be his Army wife anymore.
Its weird because since we have been broken up, I have been looking forward to this day. This was the last day we promised to have anything to do with one another and it also marks where his life will be without me. I would understand if he did not call me like he promised (hes never really been good with promises) but either way from here on out his life gets to change. I cannot wait to find a new job and know that my life will too. I am terrified my boss will promote me, because I fear I won't be able to turn it down. I need to get out of here and I cannot wait to put it all behind me as well.
I guess I didn't really tie back in the whole frustration thing, but really it was about how he thinks I need to contact him or something. I don't. I also cannot stand the way he presents me to my friends. He facebook chats one of my best friends and then someone brings me up (she swears she didnt) and he tells her he has moved on and he doesn't want me to contact him. EXCUSE ME. I was doing just fine without you drunkenly telling me how much you miss me. oh and then you proclaimed you werent drunk and proceeded to tell me a bunch of other stuff you miss about me. UGH, its beyond frustrating when he paints me in this light to MY friends. It was worse what he said to MY TWIN sister. Did I say she is MY TWIN? yeah because she will hate him forever because to her, he basically acted like the relationship had been over for a while and I was just clinging on and trying to force marriage or something. WHA??? ME+MARRIAGE?? yeah clearly not something I ever came up with on my own because it is not something I see for myself. Anyways, thats where the frustration comes from. Knowing that my friends and family have these skewed visions of our relationship bc ideas he put in their heads. I guess it just amuses me in some ways because he cannot be physically near me and not want to be with me. Like legit could not have conversations with me face to face because I would win if he did. Anyways, now I am sounding bitter so I will stop. But seriously, do you get the frustration???
That being said, I guess I have to explain some things. Welp, tonight is post night or whatever. It is the night that West Point men and women find out where they will be posted the first 3 years (post training) of their lives. At a time, this night was about where me and Cowboy would be starting our lives. Its SOOO NOT ANYMORE. I do not have a problem with that. I am a teensy bit melancholy, but thank the Lord that I don't have to move to some random Army base. I really don't think I am the Army wife type. I just don't wanna be put second like that all the time. I mean more power to those women, but not really my thing. I have BIG dreams and Fort Benning, GA and wherever else are not gonna be involved. Back to the point, so Cowboy figures out the beginning of his life tonight. In our break up and consequential "keeping in touch" business I made him promise me he would call me and tell me where he got. Last night was wine wednesday and that being the case, I sent him a text. Now this isn't saying I contact him all the time, because I dont. And actually if it was up to me we would NEVER had talked again after we broke up because I was doing just fine without him, but he felt the need to tell me how he missed me and blah blah blah. Anywaysers, my friends had been telling me about how indecisive his facebook was about where he wanted to go. He was asking for advice on light or heavy or asking if he knew people at certain places. My text was about those things. One of the reasons we broke up was so we couldn't hold each other back from our dreams. But him asking all that was like him holding himself back. He knows what he wants. He just needs to decide to take it (this is like that creepy guy from season 5 of dexter "TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!") I text him saying basically follow your heart. I think he is forgetting that he will do amazingly no matter where he goes. He doesn't need to follow all of his friends to Kansas just because it will be fun. Then they will just relive college and who needs that? Cowboy will be an officer now, not just a cadet. I don't want him forgetting that. I think if he can move on from me than why can't he move on from this college life? I guess once again, I just want the best for him. I dont care if thats in Alaska or Germany or maybe it really is in Kansas, but he needs to go where he wants for him not his friends. Additionally, I know more than anything the boy wants to go to war. I don't understand the desire, but people like him are very different than people like me and I am glad he is there to fight for us. Needless to say, I hope for him that he gets to. I hope that he kicks ass and takes names, but doesn't get hurt. I also hope he allows me to stay in touch with him while he is gone. I know that his "best friend" wont really be there because for her when he's out of sight he is pretty much out of mind. And his buddies are kinda slackers. Not sure how okay his parents would be with him gone, but I guess he will find out.
Anyways, I am pretty sure he told my friend he doesn't want me to contact him because he has moved on. Which good for him to claim. I have moved on too. It might not seem like it because I have a blog that has been primarily about him for the past couple weeks, but thats probably because this is it. I dont talk to my family, friends, or colleagues about him anymore for the most part. I also don't have any trouble not contacting him. The funny thing is, I thought he hated me for not contacting him. I thought he resented me for moving on and closing up shop. That was the whole point of my letter. I wanted to show him my little vulnerabilities with us so that he could know he wasn't alone if he was having a hard time. Now I am worried he thinks I want us to be together. I DONT. There are still things fundamentally wrong with our relationship. There are still things that I don't think I ever could get over. Clearly I need to mature some more and I am sure some day I will be over it, but I mean seriously I am not trying to be his Army wife anymore.
Its weird because since we have been broken up, I have been looking forward to this day. This was the last day we promised to have anything to do with one another and it also marks where his life will be without me. I would understand if he did not call me like he promised (hes never really been good with promises) but either way from here on out his life gets to change. I cannot wait to find a new job and know that my life will too. I am terrified my boss will promote me, because I fear I won't be able to turn it down. I need to get out of here and I cannot wait to put it all behind me as well.
I guess I didn't really tie back in the whole frustration thing, but really it was about how he thinks I need to contact him or something. I don't. I also cannot stand the way he presents me to my friends. He facebook chats one of my best friends and then someone brings me up (she swears she didnt) and he tells her he has moved on and he doesn't want me to contact him. EXCUSE ME. I was doing just fine without you drunkenly telling me how much you miss me. oh and then you proclaimed you werent drunk and proceeded to tell me a bunch of other stuff you miss about me. UGH, its beyond frustrating when he paints me in this light to MY friends. It was worse what he said to MY TWIN sister. Did I say she is MY TWIN? yeah because she will hate him forever because to her, he basically acted like the relationship had been over for a while and I was just clinging on and trying to force marriage or something. WHA??? ME+MARRIAGE?? yeah clearly not something I ever came up with on my own because it is not something I see for myself. Anyways, thats where the frustration comes from. Knowing that my friends and family have these skewed visions of our relationship bc ideas he put in their heads. I guess it just amuses me in some ways because he cannot be physically near me and not want to be with me. Like legit could not have conversations with me face to face because I would win if he did. Anyways, now I am sounding bitter so I will stop. But seriously, do you get the frustration???
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Hmm over it.
So now I've gotten used to blogging. My tmi problem seems solved if I put it all on here. Except of course if the people I write about start reading this. That could get awkward really fast. Basically though it is awesome to have an outlet to complain or brag on without judgment. It really is. Mostly I complain though let's be honest.
That being said I wanna complain for a minute. My ex finally responded to my brilliantly eloquent letter that although fueled by wine was full of truth and courage. That being said it was an enigma of a response. It was devoid of any real emotion and didn't really address anything at all. Well with one exception. He admitted I was correct about the biddy he cheated on me with. He also admitted they had hung out. But he didn't address the whole posting on her wall when he was probably drunk and what not. That's fine though, it's not like I had to rub it in that after I told the one guy (my rebound ex) how bad he was in bed he keeps trying to get me to give him another chance. And that I'm rejecting him. Literally wanted to reward myself the other day for it because the dude has hot body if nothing more. (side note about this... I have always had a theory that super hot guys or guys with wicked hot bodies aren't any good in bed because they never had to be. This theory was proven by this guy. But also I have anonymous friends who would also account to this) anyways, I also didn't tell him that I shut down my other ex and even accidentally called him by the cowboys name. Hilarity ensued. But needless to say I rejected that fella too. I am proud of my self control, but also none of these guys were good enough to begin with and I guess the cowboy helped me realize this. Additionally, I guess I should even clarify that when my boulder of a friend came to visit, he slept on the couch only. At one point he even confessed deeper feelings. I still did not act on them. Obviously I did not reciprocate and thus instead of becoming the maneater I formerly was I simply said no. I'm quite proud of myself. Anyways that was a random tangent... Back to his letter. It was one of the letters, like so many conversations, that had many points brought up but no resolution to anything. Like let's bring up the awkward goodbye in our conversation and then change the subject. Or we can bring up how we dont want to hurt each other, but I'm sending you this pointless email. I mean that's probably a bit harsh. I don't think the email was trying to hurt me. On the contrary, I think he was trying for more closure. I could feel the love in the email (nah that's a lie) but I couldn't feel the hate at least like that last phone call. I guess im just thankful that he took the time to respond even if he didn't address anything that I said. that was not the point of my email anyways. My email was to clear my conscience, to make sure nothing was left unsaid. I loved the cowboy more than I ever loved anyone and I don't want his opinion of me to be jaded by how things ended or my reactions to them or worse what he assumed I did when it was all over. I want nothing in the world but happiness for him. I hate that our paths are not eternally linked as I once thought they would be (seriously I thought he would father my children) but I guess it's a circumstance we take what we can get and if a little less than a year was our time than I gotta be thankful for everything I learned. Additionally, I really wanna be selfish now. I have so much to accomplish in my life and I really can't wait to do it all.
One of the things he said was that he wasn't dating anyone and wasn't trying to date anyone. My immediate reaction was wow that's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that. Like honestly it saddens me that I immediately started looking for someone to replace him when he's irreplaceable and the fact is I don't need anyone. (I think that when your heart breaks, thats kind of where your head goes... even if it doesnt make sense.) Yes I have plenty I exboyfriends but my singledom has never been the kind that brought me down. I won't deny I love being in love. But honestly I love me. I love my friends and family. I love a lack of responsibility towards a male. I also love doing things for me. Working out and applying myself to look good for me is such an empowering feeling.. It saddens me that so many women forget that. But anyways I guess this is time to wrap it up. And if you are reading this ( one of you three hah) try to remember to love like you have never been hurt.
That being said I wanna complain for a minute. My ex finally responded to my brilliantly eloquent letter that although fueled by wine was full of truth and courage. That being said it was an enigma of a response. It was devoid of any real emotion and didn't really address anything at all. Well with one exception. He admitted I was correct about the biddy he cheated on me with. He also admitted they had hung out. But he didn't address the whole posting on her wall when he was probably drunk and what not. That's fine though, it's not like I had to rub it in that after I told the one guy (my rebound ex) how bad he was in bed he keeps trying to get me to give him another chance. And that I'm rejecting him. Literally wanted to reward myself the other day for it because the dude has hot body if nothing more. (side note about this... I have always had a theory that super hot guys or guys with wicked hot bodies aren't any good in bed because they never had to be. This theory was proven by this guy. But also I have anonymous friends who would also account to this) anyways, I also didn't tell him that I shut down my other ex and even accidentally called him by the cowboys name. Hilarity ensued. But needless to say I rejected that fella too. I am proud of my self control, but also none of these guys were good enough to begin with and I guess the cowboy helped me realize this. Additionally, I guess I should even clarify that when my boulder of a friend came to visit, he slept on the couch only. At one point he even confessed deeper feelings. I still did not act on them. Obviously I did not reciprocate and thus instead of becoming the maneater I formerly was I simply said no. I'm quite proud of myself. Anyways that was a random tangent... Back to his letter. It was one of the letters, like so many conversations, that had many points brought up but no resolution to anything. Like let's bring up the awkward goodbye in our conversation and then change the subject. Or we can bring up how we dont want to hurt each other, but I'm sending you this pointless email. I mean that's probably a bit harsh. I don't think the email was trying to hurt me. On the contrary, I think he was trying for more closure. I could feel the love in the email (nah that's a lie) but I couldn't feel the hate at least like that last phone call. I guess im just thankful that he took the time to respond even if he didn't address anything that I said. that was not the point of my email anyways. My email was to clear my conscience, to make sure nothing was left unsaid. I loved the cowboy more than I ever loved anyone and I don't want his opinion of me to be jaded by how things ended or my reactions to them or worse what he assumed I did when it was all over. I want nothing in the world but happiness for him. I hate that our paths are not eternally linked as I once thought they would be (seriously I thought he would father my children) but I guess it's a circumstance we take what we can get and if a little less than a year was our time than I gotta be thankful for everything I learned. Additionally, I really wanna be selfish now. I have so much to accomplish in my life and I really can't wait to do it all.
One of the things he said was that he wasn't dating anyone and wasn't trying to date anyone. My immediate reaction was wow that's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that. Like honestly it saddens me that I immediately started looking for someone to replace him when he's irreplaceable and the fact is I don't need anyone. (I think that when your heart breaks, thats kind of where your head goes... even if it doesnt make sense.) Yes I have plenty I exboyfriends but my singledom has never been the kind that brought me down. I won't deny I love being in love. But honestly I love me. I love my friends and family. I love a lack of responsibility towards a male. I also love doing things for me. Working out and applying myself to look good for me is such an empowering feeling.. It saddens me that so many women forget that. But anyways I guess this is time to wrap it up. And if you are reading this ( one of you three hah) try to remember to love like you have never been hurt.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Not ok.
For a while I was pretty upset about the whole thing. I romanticized our relationship to certain extremes then I came to my senses. I just remembered the crazy shitty things he had done. He cheated on me. Like told another girl that they should give it a shot right before I flew up to NYC for his birthday with a watch that costs about a weeks worth of pay and everything. Oh and they "just kissed" hmm that's the same thing he said about his relationship with his "best friend" I believed him all along but why? I mean if he can lie to me about doing it, he could easily lie to me about what it is. Especially sine there were only two promises I made him make when it came to us staying together. He would never be in contact with the girl again and he would never tell his "best friend" about it. He's done both. In fact he's added the girl he cheated on me with back on Facebook and wrote on her wall about hanging out because he clearly wants to hurt me. It's funny because although it angers me, it doesn't really hurt. It hurt when he lied and said he didn't love me anymore. It hurt when he told me there was tons of stuff that he had been lying about for a while. It hurt when I had to tell him that I slept with my ex as a result of our breakup. It hurt when he took every last thing of his from my house and didnt pick me up from the airport. But this? No it doesn't hurt. It reiterates my choice to be done. I've had second, third, fourth, and fifth thoughts about it. In an ideal world we never would have done these things to each other. But in an ideal world he would never ask to put it in my ass in what was obviously a lack of respect for me anymore (I said no). I'm not sure why he thinks now things are gonba hurt me more. I poured out my soul in a really awesome letter. He didn't respond, predictably so. But I really don't think I said anything to make him act hurtful. My guess is I was too honest. He knew all too well how I feel and he didn't like it. I mean the two friends I let read the letter both cried so there's that. I guess his response is to be aggressive and rude and hateful. I mean in all actuality this is the first time since the breakup that I have honestly thought I could never see him again and that would be okay. Maybe he's trying to help? Who really knows. All I know is he doesn't get to peer I. My life anymore. He can't check my Facebook if im not on Facebook. He can't read my twitter if he doesnt have one and he definitely doesn't have a link to this. So that being said, it wa great while it lasted but these true colors make me overjoyed that it's done.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Church and such
I have really been working on being a better catholic. Church takes like an hour a week so I figure that's a start. I must say I normally feel very relaxed after church. It's a bit freeing to go and pray and leave everything in Gods hands. I think I am giving myself anxiety because I have been unable to do that fully.
I want answers. I want to know why this road I've chosen has been so bumpy. I have a horrible time with it especially because I know I'm not gonna find a resolution just by asking. God works in mysterious ways and those ways don't generally come out and present themselves.
All that being said there was one thing about church that really made my day. I wish I could say it was something I it out of the readings or the homily but this was actually none of those things. I was in the back of church surrounded by families. Of course I circle aroun and offer peace to any one who will have it when that time comes. Probably ten minutes later the father behind me taps me on the shoulder. I thought maybe my purse was knocked over or I was in his way or something. But instead he leaned forward and asked me to give his daughter a handshake for peace. Apparently she had wanted to shake my hand all mass and was upset that she didn't get a chance to. It was so innocent and adorable, that it made me feel the best I've felt in weeks. I've lost tons of weight, rejected exboyfriends, and gotten many kudos at work and yet this simple thing was what got me. What an amazing thing.
I want answers. I want to know why this road I've chosen has been so bumpy. I have a horrible time with it especially because I know I'm not gonna find a resolution just by asking. God works in mysterious ways and those ways don't generally come out and present themselves.
All that being said there was one thing about church that really made my day. I wish I could say it was something I it out of the readings or the homily but this was actually none of those things. I was in the back of church surrounded by families. Of course I circle aroun and offer peace to any one who will have it when that time comes. Probably ten minutes later the father behind me taps me on the shoulder. I thought maybe my purse was knocked over or I was in his way or something. But instead he leaned forward and asked me to give his daughter a handshake for peace. Apparently she had wanted to shake my hand all mass and was upset that she didn't get a chance to. It was so innocent and adorable, that it made me feel the best I've felt in weeks. I've lost tons of weight, rejected exboyfriends, and gotten many kudos at work and yet this simple thing was what got me. What an amazing thing.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Hindsight is 20/20
So sometimes things are kinda sad. Sometimes things are really happy and lovely and downright pleasant but sometimes they suck and hurt and just are no fun at all. I kinda forgot I had a blog. I also know that I only have 2 followers who no doubt probably forgot they had blogs too so they won't be reading this. That being said I honestly have decided to make my blog a journal of sorts. I vent too much of my frustrations with my friends or on social networking. Often I put accomplishments on there as well, but lets face it. People dont care. Why would you give a fuck that the recipe I found on pinterest was good. Or why would you care if I met a cute boy who is like 20 years old? You just dont. I dont need to say it and I feel the need to. I think my oversharing is an immediate result of not having what I used to think of as my better half, but I will get to that.
Throughout my life I have always been part of a duo. I always joke about how social I am, but in all actuality I think I am so terrified of being alone that I haven't been. I do NOT just mean with romantic relationships. I am referring to the fact that since my conception I have always been a twin. I literally had the built in best friend. From there I moved off to college and quickly made the new best friend to take her place. I switched colleges, took another new best friend with me and then kept her around but displaced her with my first real relationship. Lets be real, it lasted all of three months. The sad thing is, still now, as I reflect on that relationship I believed I loved him. He was my first great love and he was everything to me for those 90 days. It broke me to tiny pieces when we ended. Its one of those things where I was probably crazy, but I still don't know exactly what happened. I dated other guys trying to replace him but the damage was done. He kept me in his life enough for me to hold on to something until he finally started dating the girl he is with now. Due to our relationship, she will not allow him to be in my life anymore. He stays in touch very discretely, but I finally see how little we worked. Hindsight is always 20/20. I fully believe that if anything ever happened to me he would always be there.
Our breakup really led the way for my new best friend to come in. She's my roommate now and I love her like a sister. We can finish each others sentences and we get along amazingly. We cope differently with things, but we have always been able to mesh enough that very few big occurrences go down. I always wished she was with me for that bowl game but she wasnt. I literally fell in love at first sight with him. Even his name was something wonderful. Big, strong, handsome, and hilarious. A sexy voice to boot. This country boy with the smarts to get into West Point was all I needed. He played football and talked with a twang especially after he started drinking. On paper, he's amazing. In real life, he was even better. We had our own language about things. Our nicknames for each other were disgusting. He had this laugh that was so beyond contagious that even when his jokes were lame it still caught on. He had beyond big dreams and I wanted to be right by his side for all of it. I did the long distance thing and it seemed once again I was sidelining my best friend for my partner. I know that she's still my roomie and still my best friend but when I was falling in love one of her friends from home had love falling apart. She was there for her and they became each other's closest confidants. I guess I missed that memo, because even my guy had this in someone else. So for everyone I was only #2 and now I feel the burn.
I wasn't just putting him in front of my friends, but also my family and GASPPPP myself. I had no idea what I had been doing. Before I knew it I was settling for a job in Dallas because it would be easier on our relationship. I wasn't really working out because I got up at the last minute and spent all night on the phone with him. I was eating junk because it was easy and enjoyable. I wasn't going to church because I didnt care. I didn't really care about finishing my school stuff. I just fell apart. Somewhere in there I lost myself and then before I knew it, I lost him too. I don't fully blame myself, because he fucked up a lot too. (let's face it we are immature 23 year olds, we have a lot to learn) I do hate some of the mistakes I made. The one thing I hate was that I was so content with my relationship, that I didnt realize how little everything else mattered to me.
I guess now I know the mistakes I was making. I wasn't fully myself. I am aware that there are other factors that kinda brought me down to that level, but I shoulda pulled myself back up. I don't need someone to do that for me. I should be able to do that. I guess now I am trying to. I have been working out a lot more and want to continue to do so. I eat a lot less and try to keep it as healthy as possible. I have goals to look nice every day for work. I wanna move back home and get a job in the field I want to be in. I cleaned my room for the first time ever, basically. I created a budget. I want a credit card. All of this being said, I know I am ready for a new me. -- when does it work like that? When will I not think about him every day? My coworker bet me I couldn't go a week without mentioning him to her. I did it, but I did not even have a sense of pride since I was stalking his facebook so much. I basically made all of my tweets to him. They were either bragging about working out or other boys or they were semi sad more obvious than I wanted them to be subtweets. He finally cut me out. He deleted facebook and twitter after he shamefully admitted he couldn't stop looking at mine. I cried. How sad is that? I found out it was gone and cried. Then I got ridiculously drunk and sobered up and then told him I missed him and I wanted to call him just to catch up. The surprising thing was that he called me. He filled me in on parts of his life and I did the same. I loved hearing his voice. It just wasn't like before. I didn't hear the love and excitement he used to get on the phone with me. It was painful beyond belief. I know he made the choice to delete his stuff so he could delete me. I fully believe that if I dont contact him, he will not be calling me. I wish I had the will power to not. I really want to try harder. I guess its just that you spend a year with someone that you think you will be with for the rest of your life and you get so stuck on the idea that anything else just seems wrong. He has a big chunk of my heart and I don't wanna fight for it back.
I have no real resolution to this post. I honestly don't really want anyone to read this. But whats the point of a blog then? Well for me its articulating my feelings to a supposed audience. I know there isn't one, but its like a little girl writing in her diary. I feel a little better just by getting my feelings out there. That being said I will wrap this up. Hopefully next time I blog I have a not so EMO outlook.
Throughout my life I have always been part of a duo. I always joke about how social I am, but in all actuality I think I am so terrified of being alone that I haven't been. I do NOT just mean with romantic relationships. I am referring to the fact that since my conception I have always been a twin. I literally had the built in best friend. From there I moved off to college and quickly made the new best friend to take her place. I switched colleges, took another new best friend with me and then kept her around but displaced her with my first real relationship. Lets be real, it lasted all of three months. The sad thing is, still now, as I reflect on that relationship I believed I loved him. He was my first great love and he was everything to me for those 90 days. It broke me to tiny pieces when we ended. Its one of those things where I was probably crazy, but I still don't know exactly what happened. I dated other guys trying to replace him but the damage was done. He kept me in his life enough for me to hold on to something until he finally started dating the girl he is with now. Due to our relationship, she will not allow him to be in my life anymore. He stays in touch very discretely, but I finally see how little we worked. Hindsight is always 20/20. I fully believe that if anything ever happened to me he would always be there.
Our breakup really led the way for my new best friend to come in. She's my roommate now and I love her like a sister. We can finish each others sentences and we get along amazingly. We cope differently with things, but we have always been able to mesh enough that very few big occurrences go down. I always wished she was with me for that bowl game but she wasnt. I literally fell in love at first sight with him. Even his name was something wonderful. Big, strong, handsome, and hilarious. A sexy voice to boot. This country boy with the smarts to get into West Point was all I needed. He played football and talked with a twang especially after he started drinking. On paper, he's amazing. In real life, he was even better. We had our own language about things. Our nicknames for each other were disgusting. He had this laugh that was so beyond contagious that even when his jokes were lame it still caught on. He had beyond big dreams and I wanted to be right by his side for all of it. I did the long distance thing and it seemed once again I was sidelining my best friend for my partner. I know that she's still my roomie and still my best friend but when I was falling in love one of her friends from home had love falling apart. She was there for her and they became each other's closest confidants. I guess I missed that memo, because even my guy had this in someone else. So for everyone I was only #2 and now I feel the burn.
I wasn't just putting him in front of my friends, but also my family and GASPPPP myself. I had no idea what I had been doing. Before I knew it I was settling for a job in Dallas because it would be easier on our relationship. I wasn't really working out because I got up at the last minute and spent all night on the phone with him. I was eating junk because it was easy and enjoyable. I wasn't going to church because I didnt care. I didn't really care about finishing my school stuff. I just fell apart. Somewhere in there I lost myself and then before I knew it, I lost him too. I don't fully blame myself, because he fucked up a lot too. (let's face it we are immature 23 year olds, we have a lot to learn) I do hate some of the mistakes I made. The one thing I hate was that I was so content with my relationship, that I didnt realize how little everything else mattered to me.
I guess now I know the mistakes I was making. I wasn't fully myself. I am aware that there are other factors that kinda brought me down to that level, but I shoulda pulled myself back up. I don't need someone to do that for me. I should be able to do that. I guess now I am trying to. I have been working out a lot more and want to continue to do so. I eat a lot less and try to keep it as healthy as possible. I have goals to look nice every day for work. I wanna move back home and get a job in the field I want to be in. I cleaned my room for the first time ever, basically. I created a budget. I want a credit card. All of this being said, I know I am ready for a new me. -- when does it work like that? When will I not think about him every day? My coworker bet me I couldn't go a week without mentioning him to her. I did it, but I did not even have a sense of pride since I was stalking his facebook so much. I basically made all of my tweets to him. They were either bragging about working out or other boys or they were semi sad more obvious than I wanted them to be subtweets. He finally cut me out. He deleted facebook and twitter after he shamefully admitted he couldn't stop looking at mine. I cried. How sad is that? I found out it was gone and cried. Then I got ridiculously drunk and sobered up and then told him I missed him and I wanted to call him just to catch up. The surprising thing was that he called me. He filled me in on parts of his life and I did the same. I loved hearing his voice. It just wasn't like before. I didn't hear the love and excitement he used to get on the phone with me. It was painful beyond belief. I know he made the choice to delete his stuff so he could delete me. I fully believe that if I dont contact him, he will not be calling me. I wish I had the will power to not. I really want to try harder. I guess its just that you spend a year with someone that you think you will be with for the rest of your life and you get so stuck on the idea that anything else just seems wrong. He has a big chunk of my heart and I don't wanna fight for it back.
I have no real resolution to this post. I honestly don't really want anyone to read this. But whats the point of a blog then? Well for me its articulating my feelings to a supposed audience. I know there isn't one, but its like a little girl writing in her diary. I feel a little better just by getting my feelings out there. That being said I will wrap this up. Hopefully next time I blog I have a not so EMO outlook.
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