So sometimes things are kinda sad. Sometimes things are really happy and lovely and downright pleasant but sometimes they suck and hurt and just are no fun at all. I kinda forgot I had a blog. I also know that I only have 2 followers who no doubt probably forgot they had blogs too so they won't be reading this. That being said I honestly have decided to make my blog a journal of sorts. I vent too much of my frustrations with my friends or on social networking. Often I put accomplishments on there as well, but lets face it. People dont care. Why would you give a fuck that the recipe I found on pinterest was good. Or why would you care if I met a cute boy who is like 20 years old? You just dont. I dont need to say it and I feel the need to. I think my oversharing is an immediate result of not having what I used to think of as my better half, but I will get to that.
Throughout my life I have always been part of a duo. I always joke about how social I am, but in all actuality I think I am so terrified of being alone that I haven't been. I do NOT just mean with romantic relationships. I am referring to the fact that since my conception I have always been a twin. I literally had the built in best friend. From there I moved off to college and quickly made the new best friend to take her place. I switched colleges, took another new best friend with me and then kept her around but displaced her with my first real relationship. Lets be real, it lasted all of three months. The sad thing is, still now, as I reflect on that relationship I believed I loved him. He was my first great love and he was everything to me for those 90 days. It broke me to tiny pieces when we ended. Its one of those things where I was probably crazy, but I still don't know exactly what happened. I dated other guys trying to replace him but the damage was done. He kept me in his life enough for me to hold on to something until he finally started dating the girl he is with now. Due to our relationship, she will not allow him to be in my life anymore. He stays in touch very discretely, but I finally see how little we worked. Hindsight is always 20/20. I fully believe that if anything ever happened to me he would always be there.
Our breakup really led the way for my new best friend to come in. She's my roommate now and I love her like a sister. We can finish each others sentences and we get along amazingly. We cope differently with things, but we have always been able to mesh enough that very few big occurrences go down. I always wished she was with me for that bowl game but she wasnt. I literally fell in love at first sight with him. Even his name was something wonderful. Big, strong, handsome, and hilarious. A sexy voice to boot. This country boy with the smarts to get into West Point was all I needed. He played football and talked with a twang especially after he started drinking. On paper, he's amazing. In real life, he was even better. We had our own language about things. Our nicknames for each other were disgusting. He had this laugh that was so beyond contagious that even when his jokes were lame it still caught on. He had beyond big dreams and I wanted to be right by his side for all of it. I did the long distance thing and it seemed once again I was sidelining my best friend for my partner. I know that she's still my roomie and still my best friend but when I was falling in love one of her friends from home had love falling apart. She was there for her and they became each other's closest confidants. I guess I missed that memo, because even my guy had this in someone else. So for everyone I was only #2 and now I feel the burn.
I wasn't just putting him in front of my friends, but also my family and GASPPPP myself. I had no idea what I had been doing. Before I knew it I was settling for a job in Dallas because it would be easier on our relationship. I wasn't really working out because I got up at the last minute and spent all night on the phone with him. I was eating junk because it was easy and enjoyable. I wasn't going to church because I didnt care. I didn't really care about finishing my school stuff. I just fell apart. Somewhere in there I lost myself and then before I knew it, I lost him too. I don't fully blame myself, because he fucked up a lot too. (let's face it we are immature 23 year olds, we have a lot to learn) I do hate some of the mistakes I made. The one thing I hate was that I was so content with my relationship, that I didnt realize how little everything else mattered to me.
I guess now I know the mistakes I was making. I wasn't fully myself. I am aware that there are other factors that kinda brought me down to that level, but I shoulda pulled myself back up. I don't need someone to do that for me. I should be able to do that. I guess now I am trying to. I have been working out a lot more and want to continue to do so. I eat a lot less and try to keep it as healthy as possible. I have goals to look nice every day for work. I wanna move back home and get a job in the field I want to be in. I cleaned my room for the first time ever, basically. I created a budget. I want a credit card. All of this being said, I know I am ready for a new me. -- when does it work like that? When will I not think about him every day? My coworker bet me I couldn't go a week without mentioning him to her. I did it, but I did not even have a sense of pride since I was stalking his facebook so much. I basically made all of my tweets to him. They were either bragging about working out or other boys or they were semi sad more obvious than I wanted them to be subtweets. He finally cut me out. He deleted facebook and twitter after he shamefully admitted he couldn't stop looking at mine. I cried. How sad is that? I found out it was gone and cried. Then I got ridiculously drunk and sobered up and then told him I missed him and I wanted to call him just to catch up. The surprising thing was that he called me. He filled me in on parts of his life and I did the same. I loved hearing his voice. It just wasn't like before. I didn't hear the love and excitement he used to get on the phone with me. It was painful beyond belief. I know he made the choice to delete his stuff so he could delete me. I fully believe that if I dont contact him, he will not be calling me. I wish I had the will power to not. I really want to try harder. I guess its just that you spend a year with someone that you think you will be with for the rest of your life and you get so stuck on the idea that anything else just seems wrong. He has a big chunk of my heart and I don't wanna fight for it back.
I have no real resolution to this post. I honestly don't really want anyone to read this. But whats the point of a blog then? Well for me its articulating my feelings to a supposed audience. I know there isn't one, but its like a little girl writing in her diary. I feel a little better just by getting my feelings out there. That being said I will wrap this up. Hopefully next time I blog I have a not so EMO outlook.
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