I really must be any idiot. Like seriously, what was I thinking. I turned down a date with this nice guy, because I was thrown off by the idea of Cowboy coming home. Okay thrown off might be an understatement. I was literally sick to my stomach. Like monday, I did not go to work because I couldn't keep anything down from anxiety. Anyways, I had fully planned to go out of town this weekend. I was gonna go to Austin or visit the Giant, but alas my boss rejected my request to take off.
So I didn't get off work and I didn't go for drinks with the lawyer. I worked out after work and watched tv with my roomie. Then I laid in bed reading the best book ever. (well one of them) My phone was on silent (didn't want the lawyer drunk dialing me) I check my phone to see the time before I was ready to sleep and I see 5 missed calls and a new voicemail. All from the cowboy. And yep, those calls had just come in, so of course I listen to the voicemessage. He sounded sober, so I called him back. This is when the trouble occurred. We just started talking. He asked how I was, what I had been doing and such. I asked the same of him. We were catching up and it was going well. Then he makes a comment that we both love each other. He starts talking about how he misses me. How he has missed me every day. He confesses that he has signed on to his twitter every three days to stalk mine. He got upset about my facebook profile pic being with another guy. He admitted he had not dated anyone. He asked me if I had. I told him the truth. He told me about how he asked his best friend if he should get back together with me at least 35 times. He claimed he wanted to get back together. He said everything I ever wanted to hear. He talked about how his best friend (who hates me) knew that we would be back together eventually. He talked about trying to win over my siblings and family. He talked about his fears that my best friend hated him. He talked about how scared I sounded. He kept saying he loved me. He kept talking about having me in his arms. He made ridiculous promises. He promised never to hurt me again. He promised he would never give up on us. He promised that if our relationship didn't work out romantically he would do everything he could in order to still be friends with me because he loved me so much he couldn't fathom the idea of not being able to talk to me. He even promised he would see me the next day. He made me promise too. I said that if he called me, I would.
Well the next day occurred, I was tired and irritable. Thats what happens when you stay up until 4 AM on the phone with your exboyfriend. I got my work out in that morning, but had to cut it short. I got to work and had to deal with a mess that my coworker left me. I got bitched out by a client who wanted to talk to a manager, but my manager did not want to deal with it. Needless to say, it was a very shitty day indeed. Some of my colleagues had planned on getting drinks with me after work and since I was skeptical of Cowboy, I continued forward with this plan. I did think I would get a chance to go home and change, but I didn't. I wasn't dressed my best and I did not feel my best, but I went. I also thought that Cowboy would contact me when I got off work because he knew my schedule. It might sound foolish (since really it was predictable) but when it was 1030 and I had not heard from him, I was pissed. I text him asking if he had forgotten the promises he made. No response. I called him thinking he might be busy with his family and I was gonna leave a message. His mailbox was full. He never called back. I text one of his friends he had been the designated driver for that night he called me to see if he had really not drank anything. The guy said he didn't wanna get in the middle of things. Ironic since the reason I had the kids number was because he had given it to me when he tried to butt into our relationship and beg me to stay with Cowboy when he cheated on me. At this point, I was infuriated. How could he do this to me AGAIN? How could I let him? I had never agreed that we would get back together and yet somehow I felt like I was being rejected. I hate rejection. Especially when I feel that I did nothing wrong. Finally, I had to convince myself there was something wrong with him. To prove to myself he was in good health I called him from a blocked phone number (something he does to me ALL the time) and he answered. The moment he heard my voice he hung up. I hope I put the fear of blocked numbers in him as well. But clearly he is healthy and not dead in a ditch somewhere so I guess this is once again no fault but my own.
What had I done? I mean his words the night before were night and day literally. Was there something about stringing me along that he enjoyed? Was it just that he did not want me to be happy without him yet? Did he know that I have kinda been hanging out with other guys? Does he know that in life I am kicking ass and so he cannot have that? It was weird, he kept telling me how happy I sounded on the phone. I really do have it all. I mean I have a great job which I enjoy most days. I have the best friends and family in the world. I have a good body that I work hard to make better. I have an amazing personality and I am lucky to have natural beauty (sorry I am also not very humble) On top of all of that I have never ever had a hard time with obtains the males I want. Maybe he thinks I don't deserve all this? Maybe he just wants me to be as unhappy as his sad pathetic life is? I really wish I knew the answer, but let's face it I never will. I still don't wanna hate him, but for a while I probably will. I also know I don't wanna date anyone seriously still. I really just cannot wait to GTFOOH and start a new life. But alas, I gotta wait for that to happen for me. I will continue doing everything I can to push myself to be the best version of me, but I really do not want the distraction of him. Anyways, hopefully this will be my last blog for a while because I will be out living my life. That might not really be true, but it sounds good doesn't it?
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