FRUSTRATION &%^$*

I am super frustrated. Like that doesn't even begin to describe it. I really do NOT understand peoples actions.

That being said, I guess I have to explain some things. Welp, tonight is post night or whatever. It is the night that West Point men and women find out where they will be posted the first 3 years (post training) of their lives. At a time, this night was about where me and Cowboy would be starting our lives. Its SOOO NOT ANYMORE. I do not have a problem with that. I am a teensy bit melancholy, but thank the Lord that I don't have to move to some random Army base. I really don't think I am the Army wife type. I just don't wanna be put second like that all the time. I mean more power to those women, but not really my thing. I have BIG dreams and Fort Benning, GA and wherever else are not gonna be involved. Back to the point, so Cowboy figures out the beginning of his life tonight. In our break up and consequential "keeping in touch" business I made him promise me he would call me and tell me where he got. Last night was wine wednesday and that being the case, I sent him a text. Now this isn't saying I contact him all the time, because I dont. And actually if it was up to me we would NEVER had talked again after we broke up because I was doing just fine without him, but he felt the need to tell me how he missed me and blah blah blah. Anywaysers, my friends had been telling me about how indecisive his facebook was about where he wanted to go. He was asking for advice on light or heavy or asking if he knew people at certain places. My text was about those things. One of the reasons we broke up was so we couldn't hold each other back from our dreams. But him asking all that was like him holding himself back. He knows what he wants. He just needs to decide to take it (this is like that creepy guy from season 5 of dexter "TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!") I text him saying basically follow your heart. I think he is forgetting that he will do amazingly no matter where he goes. He doesn't need to follow all of his friends to Kansas just because it will be fun. Then they will just relive college and who needs that? Cowboy will be an officer now, not just a cadet. I don't want him forgetting that. I think if he can move on from me than why can't he move on from this college life? I guess once again, I just want the best for him. I dont care if thats in Alaska or Germany or maybe it really is in Kansas, but he needs to go where he wants for him not his friends. Additionally, I know more than anything the boy wants to go to war. I don't understand the desire, but people like him are very different than people like me and I am glad he is there to fight for us. Needless to say, I hope for him that he gets to. I hope that he kicks ass and takes names, but doesn't get hurt. I also hope he allows me to stay in touch with him while he is gone. I know that his "best friend" wont really be there because for her when he's out of sight he is pretty much out of mind. And his buddies are kinda slackers. Not sure how okay his parents would be with him gone, but I guess he will find out.
Anyways, I am pretty sure he told my friend he doesn't want me to contact him because he has moved on. Which good for him to claim. I have moved on too. It might not seem like it because I have a blog that has been primarily about him for the past couple weeks, but thats probably because this is it. I dont talk to my family, friends, or colleagues about him anymore for the most part. I also don't have any trouble not contacting him. The funny thing is, I thought he hated me for not contacting him. I thought he resented me for moving on and closing up shop. That was the whole point of my letter. I wanted to show him my little vulnerabilities with us so that he could know he wasn't alone if he was having a hard time. Now I am worried he thinks I want us to be together. I DONT. There are still things fundamentally wrong with our relationship. There are still things that I don't think I ever could get over. Clearly I need to mature some more and I am sure some day I will be over it, but I mean seriously I am not trying to be his Army wife anymore.
Its weird because since we have been broken up, I have been looking forward to this day. This was the last day we promised to have anything to do with one another and it also marks where his life will be without me. I would understand if he did not call me like he promised (hes never really been good with promises) but either way from here on out his life gets to change. I cannot wait to find a new job and know that my life will too. I am terrified my boss will promote me, because I fear I won't be able to turn it down. I need to get out of here and I cannot wait to put it all behind me as well.

I guess I didn't really tie back in the whole frustration thing, but really it was about how he thinks I need to contact him or something. I don't. I also cannot stand the way he presents me to my friends. He facebook chats one of my best friends and then someone brings me up (she swears she didnt) and he tells her he has moved on and he doesn't want me to contact him. EXCUSE ME. I was doing just fine without you drunkenly telling me how much you miss me. oh and then you proclaimed you werent drunk and proceeded to tell me a bunch of other stuff you miss about me. UGH, its beyond frustrating when he paints me in this light to MY friends. It was worse what he said to MY TWIN sister. Did I say she is MY TWIN? yeah because she will hate him forever because to her, he basically acted like the relationship had been over for a while and I was just clinging on and trying to force marriage or something. WHA??? ME+MARRIAGE?? yeah clearly not something I ever came up with on my own because it is not something I see for myself. Anyways, thats where the frustration comes from. Knowing that my friends and family have these skewed visions of our relationship bc ideas he put in their heads. I guess it just amuses me in some ways because he cannot be physically near me and not want to be with me. Like legit could not have conversations with me face to face because I would win if he did. Anyways, now I am sounding bitter so I will stop. But seriously, do you get the frustration???