Hmm over it.

So now I've gotten used to blogging. My tmi problem seems solved if I put it all on here. Except of course if the people I write about start reading this. That could get awkward really fast. Basically though it is awesome to have an outlet to complain or brag on without judgment. It really is. Mostly I complain though let's be honest.

That being said I wanna complain for a minute. My ex finally responded to my brilliantly eloquent letter that although fueled by wine was full of truth and courage. That being said it was an enigma of a response. It was devoid of any real emotion and didn't really address anything at all. Well with one exception. He admitted I was correct about the biddy he cheated on me with. He also admitted they had hung out. But he didn't address the whole posting on her wall when he was probably drunk and what not. That's fine though, it's not like I had to rub it in that after I told the one guy (my rebound ex) how bad he was in bed he keeps trying to get me to give him another chance. And that I'm rejecting him. Literally wanted to reward myself the other day for it because the dude has hot body if nothing more. (side note about this... I have always had a theory that super hot guys or guys with wicked hot bodies aren't any good in bed because they never had to be. This theory was proven by this guy. But also I have anonymous friends who would also account to this) anyways, I also didn't tell him that I shut down my other ex and even accidentally called him by the cowboys name. Hilarity ensued. But needless to say I rejected that fella too. I am proud of my self control, but also none of these guys were good enough to begin with and I guess the cowboy helped me realize this. Additionally, I guess I should even clarify that when my boulder of a friend came to visit, he slept on the couch only. At one point he even confessed deeper feelings. I still did not act on them. Obviously I did not reciprocate and thus instead of becoming the maneater I formerly was I simply said no. I'm quite proud of myself. Anyways that was a random tangent... Back to his letter. It was one of the letters, like so many conversations, that had many points brought up but no resolution to anything. Like let's bring up the awkward goodbye in our conversation and then change the subject. Or we can bring up how we dont want to hurt each other, but I'm sending you this pointless email. I mean that's probably a bit harsh. I don't think the email was trying to hurt me. On the contrary, I think he was trying for more closure. I could feel the love in the email (nah that's a lie) but I couldn't feel the hate at least like that last phone call. I guess im just thankful that he took the time to respond even if he didn't address anything that I said. that was not the point of my email anyways. My email was to clear my conscience, to make sure nothing was left unsaid. I loved the cowboy more than I ever loved anyone and I don't want his opinion of me to be jaded by how things ended or my reactions to them or worse what he assumed I did when it was all over. I want nothing in the world but happiness for him. I hate that our paths are not eternally linked as I once thought they would be (seriously I thought he would father my children) but I guess it's a circumstance we take what we can get and if a little less than a year was our time than I gotta be thankful for everything I learned. Additionally, I really wanna be selfish now. I have so much to accomplish in my life and I really can't wait to do it all.

One of the things he said was that he wasn't dating anyone and wasn't trying to date anyone. My immediate reaction was wow that's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that. Like honestly it saddens me that I immediately started looking for someone to replace him when he's irreplaceable and the fact is I don't need anyone. (I think that when your heart breaks, thats kind of where your head goes... even if it doesnt make sense.) Yes I have plenty I exboyfriends but my singledom has never been the kind that brought me down. I won't deny I love being in love. But honestly I love me. I love my friends and family. I love a lack of responsibility towards a male. I also love doing things for me. Working out and applying myself to look good for me is such an empowering feeling.. It saddens me that so many women forget that. But anyways I guess this is time to wrap it up. And if you are reading this ( one of you three hah) try to remember to love like you have never been hurt.

Not ok.

For a while I was pretty upset about the whole thing. I romanticized our relationship to certain extremes then I came to my senses. I just remembered the crazy shitty things he had done. He cheated on me. Like told another girl that they should give it a shot right before I flew up to NYC for his birthday with a watch that costs about a weeks worth of pay and everything. Oh and they "just kissed" hmm that's the same thing he said about his relationship with his "best friend" I believed him all along but why? I mean if he can lie to me about doing it, he could easily lie to me about what it is. Especially sine there were only two promises I made him make when it came to us staying together. He would never be in contact with the girl again and he would never tell his "best friend" about it. He's done both. In fact he's added the girl he cheated on me with back on Facebook and wrote on her wall about hanging out because he clearly wants to hurt me. It's funny because although it angers me, it doesn't really hurt. It hurt when he lied and said he didn't love me anymore. It hurt when he told me there was tons of stuff that he had been lying about for a while. It hurt when I had to tell him that I slept with my ex as a result of our breakup. It hurt when he took every last thing of his from my house and didnt pick me up from the airport. But this? No it doesn't hurt. It reiterates my choice to be done. I've had second, third, fourth, and fifth thoughts about it. In an ideal world we never would have done these things to each other. But in an ideal world he would never ask to put it in my ass in what was obviously a lack of respect for me anymore (I said no). I'm not sure why he thinks now things are gonba hurt me more. I poured out my soul in a really awesome letter. He didn't respond, predictably so. But I really don't think I said anything to make him act hurtful. My guess is I was too honest. He knew all too well how I feel and he didn't like it. I mean the two friends I let read the letter both cried so there's that. I guess his response is to be aggressive and rude and hateful. I mean in all actuality this is the first time since the breakup that I have honestly thought I could never see him again and that would be okay. Maybe he's trying to help? Who really knows. All I know is he doesn't get to peer I. My life anymore. He can't check my Facebook if im not on Facebook. He can't read my twitter if he doesnt have one and he definitely doesn't have a link to this. So that being said, it wa great while it lasted but these true colors make me overjoyed that it's done.

Church and such

I have really been working on being a better catholic. Church takes like an hour a week so I figure that's a start. I must say I normally feel very relaxed after church. It's a bit freeing to go and pray and leave everything in Gods hands. I think I am giving myself anxiety because I have been unable to do that fully.
I want answers. I want to know why this road I've chosen has been so bumpy. I have a horrible time with it especially because I know I'm not gonna find a resolution just by asking. God works in mysterious ways and those ways don't generally come out and present themselves.

All that being said there was one thing about church that really made my day. I wish I could say it was something I it out of the readings or the homily but this was actually none of those things. I was in the back of church surrounded by families. Of course I circle aroun and offer peace to any one who will have it when that time comes. Probably ten minutes later the father behind me taps me on the shoulder. I thought maybe my purse was knocked over or I was in his way or something. But instead he leaned forward and asked me to give his daughter a handshake for peace. Apparently she had wanted to shake my hand all mass and was upset that she didn't get a chance to. It was so innocent and adorable, that it made me feel the best I've felt in weeks. I've lost tons of weight, rejected exboyfriends, and gotten many kudos at work and yet this simple thing was what got me. What an amazing thing.

Hindsight is 20/20

So sometimes things are kinda sad. Sometimes things are really happy and lovely and downright pleasant but sometimes they suck and hurt and just are no fun at all. I kinda forgot I had a blog. I also know that I only have 2 followers who no doubt probably forgot they had blogs too so they won't be reading this. That being said I honestly have decided to make my blog a journal of sorts. I vent too much of my frustrations with my friends or on social networking. Often I put accomplishments on there as well, but lets face it. People dont care. Why would you give a fuck that the recipe I found on pinterest was good. Or why would you care if I met a cute boy who is like 20 years old? You just dont. I dont need to say it and I feel the need to. I think my oversharing is an immediate result of not having what I used to think of as my better half, but I will get to that.

Throughout my life I have always been part of a duo. I always joke about how social I am, but in all actuality I think I am so terrified of being alone that I haven't been. I do NOT just mean with romantic relationships. I am referring to the fact that since my conception I have always been a twin. I literally had the built in best friend. From there I moved off to college and quickly made the new best friend to take her place. I switched colleges, took another new best friend with me and then kept her around but displaced her with my first real relationship. Lets be real, it lasted all of three months. The sad thing is, still now, as I reflect on that relationship I believed I loved him. He was my first great love and he was everything to me for those 90 days. It broke me to tiny pieces when we ended. Its one of those things where I was probably crazy, but I still don't know exactly what happened. I dated other guys trying to replace him but the damage was done. He kept me in his life enough for me to hold on to something until he finally started dating the girl he is with now. Due to our relationship, she will not allow him to be in my life anymore. He stays in touch very discretely, but I finally see how little we worked. Hindsight is always 20/20. I fully believe that if anything ever happened to me he would always be there.

Our breakup really led the way for my new best friend to come in. She's my roommate now and I love her like a sister. We can finish each others sentences and we get along amazingly. We cope differently with things, but we have always been able to mesh enough that very few big occurrences go down. I always wished she was with me for that bowl game but she wasnt. I literally fell in love at first sight with him. Even his name was something wonderful. Big, strong, handsome, and hilarious. A sexy voice to boot. This country boy with the smarts to get into West Point was all I needed. He played football and talked with a twang especially after he started drinking. On paper, he's amazing. In real life, he was even better. We had our own language about things. Our nicknames for each other were disgusting. He had this laugh that was so beyond contagious that even when his jokes were lame it still caught on. He had beyond big dreams and I wanted to be right by his side for all of it. I did the long distance thing and it seemed once again I was sidelining my best friend for my partner. I know that she's still my roomie and still my best friend but when I was falling in love one of her friends from home had love falling apart. She was there for her and they became each other's closest confidants. I guess I missed that memo, because even my guy had this in someone else. So for everyone I was only #2 and now I feel the burn.

I wasn't just putting him in front of my friends, but also my family and GASPPPP myself. I had no idea what I had been doing. Before I knew it I was settling for a job in Dallas because it would be easier on our relationship. I wasn't really working out because I got up at the last minute and spent all night on the phone with him. I was eating junk because it was easy and enjoyable. I wasn't going to church because I didnt care. I didn't really care about finishing my school stuff. I just fell apart. Somewhere in there I lost myself and then before I knew it, I lost him too. I don't fully blame myself, because he fucked up a lot too. (let's face it we are immature 23 year olds, we have a lot to learn) I do hate some of the mistakes I made. The one thing I hate was that I was so content with my relationship, that I didnt realize how little everything else mattered to me.

I guess now I know the mistakes I was making. I wasn't fully myself. I am aware that there are other factors that kinda brought me down to that level, but I shoulda pulled myself back up. I don't need someone to do that for me. I should be able to do that. I guess now I am trying to. I have been working out a lot more and want to continue to do so. I eat a lot less and try to keep it as healthy as possible. I have goals to look nice every day for work. I wanna move back home and get a job in the field I want to be in. I cleaned my room for the first time ever, basically. I created a budget. I want a credit card. All of this being said, I know I am ready for a new me. -- when does it work like that? When will I not think about him every day? My coworker bet me I couldn't go a week without mentioning him to her. I did it, but I did not even have a sense of pride since I was stalking his facebook so much. I basically made all of my tweets to him. They were either bragging about working out or other boys or they were semi sad more obvious than I wanted them to be subtweets. He finally cut me out. He deleted facebook and twitter after he shamefully admitted he couldn't stop looking at mine. I cried. How sad is that? I found out it was gone and cried. Then I got ridiculously drunk and sobered up and then told him I missed him and I wanted to call him just to catch up. The surprising thing was that he called me. He filled me in on parts of his life and I did the same. I loved hearing his voice. It just wasn't like before. I didn't hear the love and excitement he used to get on the phone with me. It was painful beyond belief. I know he made the choice to delete his stuff so he could delete me. I fully believe that if I dont contact him, he will not be calling me. I wish I had the will power to not. I really want to try harder. I guess its just that you spend a year with someone that you think you will be with for the rest of your life and you get so stuck on the idea that anything else just seems wrong. He has a big chunk of my heart and I don't wanna fight for it back.

I have no real resolution to this post. I honestly don't really want anyone to read this. But whats the point of a blog then? Well for me its articulating my feelings to a supposed audience. I know there isn't one, but its like a little girl writing in her diary. I feel a little better just by getting my feelings out there. That being said I will wrap this up. Hopefully next time I blog I have a not so EMO outlook.