too much family time... or too much "family"

So I have never been the type to love being in a relationship. I don't sit around wishing for a boyfriend. Nine times out of ten, I would rather be single then be forced to limit my flirtations/attention to one guy. Now this could be because I haven't found the "right" one or whatever. Or this could just be because I am extremely happy being single and I am quite content in this aspect of my life.

Now to address my one out of ten times that I do care. When I am at home my family can be so extremely obnoxious that it makes sense that I only see them twice a year. I love them to death, I really do, but every single part about being home revolves around the couples in our family. IS THAT NECESSARY? No. Not at all. My twin sister is 22 and engaged... is that necessary... no. Do I think she is in love? Yes. Do I think her choices in life are anything like mine? NO. And yet every time I come home my parents and siblings try to pressure me into locking down a man. I have all the confidence in the world that I could lock down whatever man I wanted... they just can't lock me down. I have too much to learn, too much to experience, and too much that I need to do for me first. I am not saying that if someone perfect swept me off my feet tomorrow that I would blow him off and tell him to wait, but I damn well would not rush into anything until I knew what I wanted from my life instead of just living in someone else's footsteps.

My family just does not understand where I am coming from... I actually wish I had someone with me to deal with them. I hate that they make me feel that way. Some examples of how this is: They all play a tennis tournament with their significant other as their pair partner. Since I don't have a partner I get to stay home and clean with my mom. Another thing, they expect me to buy presents for their boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/whatever. HA... really? I can't afford to buy my best friends presents and you expect a gift from me because you are boning my brother/sister? I get that these are the people they want to spend the rest of their life with, but what if I don't want to be forced into spending the rest of my life with them? What if my friends really are my soulmates? And if not... if sometime down the road I meet someone or I fall in love or whatever... then thats fine, but right now I know then when it comes to spending a New Years Eve in downtown Atlanta with all the couples kissing at midnight or spending it out with my single girls in Dallas being ridiculous there is no question on which sounds more appealing. I am sick of the guilt trip I get every time I supposedly choose my friends over my family. Well if my family was just my blood family maybe the choice would be more difficult. AND do not get me wrong, I love my sisters' fiances and my brother's girlfriend but there is only soo much PDA that I can handle.
Along with all of this, I AM SO SICK OF MY MOTHER TRYING TO SET ME UP. She literally told me today that "I need to find a nice guy in Atlanta so I will want to come back." I am sorry, Mom, but I do not want to live in Atlanta. I would like a guy I find myself and you picking someone out literally creeps me out. I have wayy too many guys on my own. Ask my friends. I am not trying to be cocky or ridiculous about it, but guys are troublemakers and I do not really need them. The last thing I want to complain about that my mother does is try to set me up with guys in my life. I have two guy FRIENDS that both mean a lot to me. My mother fully believes that eventually I will be with one of them which depresses me for two reasons: 1. really? after I have known them all this time eventually I am going to settle? and 2. I want to be sexually attracted and I just don't see it with these two. Needless to say... if my mom tries to force an arranged marriage on me one more time I will not, I repeat, I will not be at either of my sisters weddings.

Okay all of that being said... my siblings/parents are giving me hell about choosing to book an earlier flight and come home for the bowl game. I have had the worst semester ever and I wanna come to Dallas early to situate myself and get schoolwork done and somehow that's a bad thing? Really if someone can explain to me how my siblings getting into a screaming fight with me over it would make me want to stay please explain it.

I could go on and on about this so I am just going to stop now... but really... not okay.

is this real life?

So this may be brief but 1. I am procrastinating a paper and 2. I have to put what just happened to me down in print so I can remember it for the rest of my life.
I spent the entire day miserably running (aka crutching) errands in order to get my sh*t together to go home sunday morning and forego finals. So between calls and meetings with my doctor, his nurses, my trainer, my dean of student life, my athletic advisor, my academic advisor, and my professors, I was completely exhausted. Plus my prescriptions had not been called in so I am now going on day 10 of no medicine after my surgery. And yes I still have my stitches in, also if you are wondering I did accidentally rip one when I fell somewhere in Tuscaloosa, AL during my journey home. Yes you can see the ripped skin and it looks good. ANYWAYS... I've been in a foul mood add in sickness and I just haven't been pleasant. So Hannah, being my dear, loving friend opted to take me to QT to cheer me up. In case you are wondering, QT stands for Quiktrip... the ABSOLUTE BEST gas station in the world. We go in, shuffle around, and get my rooster booster. Which is this delicious frozen drink that comes in like 6 forms... all of which are amazing. Instantly with one sip, my smile turns upside down. So we head to check out and then I decide that cotton candy (LEGIT blue cotton candy) is an absolute must and we grab some of that too. So Hannah's piling all of this on the counter as I attempt to help. She's paying (did I mention that I love her) as I halfway block off the rest of the customers because my crutches are just ridiculous.

"That guy is soo my type." I whisper in her ear as I turn to notice a guy who is around 6'2", big, muscular, and gorgeous.

Hannies turns to get a look at him and he shuffles his six pack of beer in his hand and *GASP* he's wearing sport shorts with an ATLANTA FALCONS LOGO ON THEM.

Okay he's perfect. Me being the person I am cannot see a Falcons fan and not say anything;
"Hey, love your shorts!" *smiley face/seductive look*

He shifts his beer to his other hand grabs the other side of his shorts and looks at if, as if he forgot what he had on... and I see the side he grabbed had a NUMBER on it.
"I was looking at the other side", I say... "I'm a big fan."

He smiles at me and gives me a smirk; "Oh, really?"

"Well my family is from there... well not from there but my parents live there... we are from cincinnati... but I root for the Falcons... can't handle the Bengals you know."
okay at this point I realize I am rambling but I was soo excited.

"Yeah, that'd be a hard team to root for, haha" ...even his laugh was cute

so at this point he is finally checking out,and I am still chit chatting to him as he gets i.d.ed, yes ladies and gentlemen, he got i.d.ed which shows you that he is totally in my age range. Anyways, there's a little bit of confusion as he tries to finish his convo with me as checking out.

Needless to say, he told me he used to be a fullback. He made a little joke about too many concussions, and said it was a good time but had to end. He smiled again and I said it was nice meeting him and I crutched away, with the realization that perfect guys like that are out there. Yes I said perfect. In what ways? On what basis do I have? Welp, Girls gotta dream. And it totally restored my dreams.

In case you are wondering the guy had on a wedding ring, but still it was a totally awesome experience, because it was my team, but in Dallas and damn was he attractive. So I turn back to my homework with a smiling face.

safety first!

As a result of all the ridiculous crimes that I have recently found myself victim to, I have been very paranoid lately. In fact, I am actually a little afraid tonight. It is the only night since a lot of stuff has happened that I am alone in my apartment. This may sound ridiculous, but let me mention some of the stuff that I had happen to me.
So my car got broken into. Seems like no big deal, right? Well the odd thing about it is that it was in my parking lot... which is full of NICE cars. Like my roomie has a freaking porsche.. that has a cloth top... how easy would that have been to break into? very easy... it doesnt even have an alarm. Scratchy has an alarm! So not only did they bash the windows and steal the stereo, they also terrorized the thing. They smashed most of my CDs, they tried to rip of the air conditioning vents, they tried to rip out the airbags, and they just tore it all apart. Scratchy did not run the same and a couple weeks later something went completely freaky with the brakes and now he is done for. Needless to say its weird that in a lot of beemers, porsches, and all over nice cars Scratchy was victimized. Now every time I wake up to a car alarm I am waiting for it to be someone driving off with him (which would be silly since the brakes dont work)
Another thing happened in here to freak me out, and although I know no one reads this, its not something I would ever put on a public forum.
Additionally, last week my locker got broken into. Now its just getting ridiculous. Like seriously weird. I met with my specialist on tuesday who told me all about my impingement and surgery and what not. He also said that given the circumstances I am going to be in pain no matter what so if it would ease my mind to work out a little he would allow me to bike (he probably didnt mean spinning, but I took it as that) and elliptical to my pain tolerance. Meaning I will make it more painful for me, but it doesnt change the surgery he has to perform... but getting fat is painful enough!
anyways... so i got to practice with the team.. ish. on wednesday. they had weights so I could go in the weight room and bike and then do whatever weights only used arms. I left the locker room at about 330 and started my workout. I had a meeting at 5 so I went back up to the locker room then. "Ohh weird, my locker is off its hinges. If someone needed to borrow socks they could have just asked." was my immediate thoughts. Then I went to get a combination to a new locker. I really didnt think much of anything at first. I proceeded to get my shower and come back to get dressed and look into the busted part and realize... GASP.. something is missing: my thong! like as in underwear! how disgusting is that?!? so we looked closer and my foot locker was unlocked and open and full of clothes.. my bookbag was in there with my laptop and everything. my cubby had my wallet and keys and nothing but this underwear was taken! how ridiculous. there are even visible marks from where they clearly pried the door off the hinges. that is just weird. I think someone might have been looking for my cell phone which i leave up there most times, but actually brought with me luckily. I really dont know considering my locker is back row and no one else's were touched. needless to say this all freaks me out.

the weird thing is that I found this kid in my creative dramatics class actually listens to everything I say and notices when I am not myself. that being said when he actually asks me whats wrong I do not doubt for a second that he actually would listen as I complain. I have freely been able to talk to him about anything and I feel protected with him around. We walk together from that class to work out and he just alleviates a lot of my fears. (even though he admits himself that he would isn't very aggressive or a fighter.. he looks like one though) Anyways he came out with me and the girls this weekend and just did a great job with it. He let me drive his truck and even hung with us when we were dancing like fools in sugar shack. He drank a little too much (I was DD) and my friends all did too. Needless to say he couldn't drive home and he stayed on my couch. My friends all think he has a crush on me, which maybe he does, but the guy was a complete gentleman and didnt even come near my room. He didn't try to touch me or hit on me or anything. The best thing about it was that my roommate was out of town and I felt SOOO protected with him in the apartment. I keep asking myself if its weird that I trust him as much as I do... but thus far he's been one of the only guys I know that has always done what he has said he would. He hasn't hurt me and we are just friends so I really like having him around. I am pretty happy right now that I dont have to worry about him hurting me physically or mentally. He knows what I have been through lately and the one thing I dont want is a guy around, other than a friend. Anyways, this has been my little rant about how paranoid I am. Lock you doors: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtZfW2z9dw

cha.. cha.. cha... changes

it's weird... the one thing that has always been obvious to me is that rowing takes a toll on our bodies. There are so many great athletes in my sport that I have watched row through intense pain and others who were simply told that they can no longer do it. To think an athlete at the ripe old age of 20 or so can no longer do their sport of choice because of a (insert body part here) injury, always blew my mind. I sat and watched as teammates had to decide that they just couldnt do it anymore. (by sat and watched i mean I ran, rowed, erged, etc while wondering what it would feel like) Yes I will be honest... there were those days that I thought, wow shes lucky she gets scholarship and doesnt have to row. how pleasant. Now I am on the cusp of worst case scenario would be exactly that. I had my doctors appointment tonight with doctor worrel and he basically told me that best case scenario would be taking time off and then rehab and rowing as much as I could tolerate the pain. I really am at a loss... worst case scenario would be surgery on both hips and no more smu rowing for me. I dont know which one is worse. I identify myself with rowing... it is what my life revolves around. I mean there are days when I am too sick for class but I go to practice. I would be a huge whale of a person if I didnt do rowing. Plus all of my best friends are on my team. The moment I walked out of my appointment I started bawling my eyes out. I literally thought this would be the best year of my life and now it looks like it could be completely different then I expected. I stayed here an extra year so I could row. I wanted to be able to prove to doug that I wasnt a recruiting mistake, that I deserved everything he has done for me, that I can be a team leader. now, i feel like I am gonna be just a girl wasting a scholarship that could have brought another talented rower to the team. Even if I still can row, it will be this BS that I have been doing. Rowing half of the steady state and not at full pressure. Or rowing the whole thing and not being able to walk the rest of the day. I really do not know what to expect from these MRIs (except becky did say the injection hurts..) but I dont know what outcome I want. I feel like I would be wasting the coaches time to be on the team working my butt off, but only able to give 50%. like what is the purpose in that? Wont my teammates get frustrated with me? I mean I would be pissed if someone only did half the workouts and got to race, plus how could i trust them to race all out if they did not do the whole work out?

Okay, so I guess I am being a really really negative nancy, but my world seems to be flipped upside down. I am not allowed to practice tomorrow because this damn fever and now I have all this hip stuff to worry about. I should be working on a paper, but I can't focus. I should probably wrap this up because 1. no one reads it anyways and 2. I am feeling wayyy to sorry for myself.

I guess I really need to be thankful for everything that has been giving to me already. that would make it easier. Count my blessings. Heaven knows I have been given a lot.

roles of a captain

so my coach made all the seniors write about what we think a captain should be in order for us to be considered for the role. I worked pretty hard on my response, so I figure i should post it so my follower....s (hi chantal!) can read it. well heck at least its out there on the internet so someone might stumble upon it...

Captain.
In order to be a good leader I feel like one has to bring a lot to the table. For a successful captain there is a unique mixture of accountability, openness, extroversion, intelligence, and a general self-efficacy. That being said I will go into a little more depth about what I mean. I feel like accountability is such a key asset in a captain. Not only should one hold her teammates accountable for their actions, but also herself as a leader and a role model. This means not necessarily being the best on the team at all the fitness tests or on the erg (even though that is ultimately always the goal), but rather pushing yourself, as a captain and individual, and your teammates to compete at your/their highest level ever day, thus elevating the team towards our goals. So examples would be improving on every erg test, increasing speed on runs, doing cross fits faster every time, and when there is a setback, working even harder the next time to get back on track. Captains also have to be good with openness. There is a level of communication that is necessary between the captains and the team, and the athletes and the coaches. The captain has to bridge both of those gaps. The team has to feel the captain is approachable and capable so they can come to them with issues and suggestions. The captain can deal with them to the best of their ability and keep the coaches updated on what they need to know. This leads me to the extroversion. The more approachable a captain is in general, makes them easier for the teammates to come to them as a friend. It keeps the lines of communication open, but also encourages the team to be outgoing as well. Chemistry within the team is a necessity of success and I feel extroversion in leadership helps that. Intelligence is also extremely important. The leader has to know what to do in situations when they cannot always go to the coaches. In general, I feel that intelligence is common on our team, but it definitely adds to any good leader. Self-efficacy is the final piece to the proverbial puzzle. With our concrete goals in mind of being top four in the conference, a leader must be able to believe in our abilities to achieve this goal. The belief should be shown in all aspects, such as helping prepare the team for the future. The freshmen and novice now are the building blocks to 2013 when the team can get a bid from the conference. Recruitment is essential to this, and always working towards this common goal is what it will take. Overall, the five characteristics I listed above are the keys to the success of a captain on this team. Having all of those characteristics can add up to a leader who exemplifies the mission statement and thus understands, accepts, and implements what is required of the team.

Singledom

So of late I have been really feeling the fact that I am single. I pack so much into my schedule that when I have free time I just really wish that I had someone to spend it with. I love my friends a TON, but this summer I really feel I have had too much time just with the girls. There actually is too much girl time. Every free second I have, my female friends expect me to spend with them. It may sound horrible, but I need to testosterone in my life. I love boys. I love attention from boys. I love being friends with boys. Even spending a night with my gay friend George was refreshing compared to hearing of all the woes in my female friends lives. It feels like a constant "blah, blah, blah boys are bad and do you wrong." No wonder these friends are not in particularly healthy or committed relationships... Deciding that someone will hurt you before you even get to know them is not promising for your future. I know sometimes all girls can be negative nancys with complaints about getting their heart broken or the bad timing on things or "if he just lived here or I just lived there." Lets face it... if its not meant to work out, it simply does not happen. One thing we ALWAYS talked about in bible study was how God has a plan and we need to not try to control it.

That being said, I do not feel people can control it with online dating and what not. Maybe I am just skeptical. I am not sure, but it just doesnt seem natural to me. I do not judge anyone for online dating (yes there was a time when I did, but nowadays it seems so common) I just wonder if its kinda forcing things. Like if two people finally decide that they are ready for something real they just log in..? I got one of those email things to try out one free for seven days and it seemed like it was just full of creepy older guys trying to contact me.
I guess I just believe that fate(read: aka God's Plan) has more for me and each of us then an online dating site. I do not doubt that some people have that as the easiest solution to their singledom, but since when was it a problem to be alone? Or for that matter not alone but rather not in a relationship. I am definitely not dating anyone and yet I find that I never get a second to myself (save those precious moments alone with my sansaclip and Katy trail)

I hope the best for all of those who do choose that path and I am sure that for many it works out well. I just do not want people to use it as a crutch to not venture out of the house and talk to someone new. When I contemplate this stuff I cannot help but think about my coach "say hi to someone you don't know" It could change your life (and from what it looks like save you a little hard earned cash)

new blog

So I feel like it has been quite some time since I have written anything at all. Like facebook posts and quick emails do not count. Then I was reading my fabulous exroomie Chantals wonderful blog and it made me do this. She has had hers for a while and it is just extremely interesting to see when people choose to write and what they have to say. I could not help but wonder who all reads them, and what they think. That being said, I am having a debate on whether publishing my blog link anywhere would even make sense. I feel like I am the type of person who will get on here and whine or bitch and moan. Why would someone want to read that? I just like getting it out there. Sometimes I wish I was like my current roommate who has a diary (although I am pretty sure it is just for her sexual exploits) I really would like to just express my feelings openly. I love my friends to death, but sometimes you just wanna say something and not get reactions. Like if I tell a story, sometimes I do not want input on what the person I told it to thinks I should do. I know that is ridiculously selfish, but its just frustrating trying to explain what is going on in your head when you are even unclear about it all. Funnily enough, I once had a xanga type deal... which i reread the other day... all I did was use it to post dumb quizzes about myself. what a waste! I am sure that I will have more to say later, but I just wanted to explain my purposes for this blog and now I will do something else (my head is pounding, so maybe more sleep?)