cha.. cha.. cha... changes

it's weird... the one thing that has always been obvious to me is that rowing takes a toll on our bodies. There are so many great athletes in my sport that I have watched row through intense pain and others who were simply told that they can no longer do it. To think an athlete at the ripe old age of 20 or so can no longer do their sport of choice because of a (insert body part here) injury, always blew my mind. I sat and watched as teammates had to decide that they just couldnt do it anymore. (by sat and watched i mean I ran, rowed, erged, etc while wondering what it would feel like) Yes I will be honest... there were those days that I thought, wow shes lucky she gets scholarship and doesnt have to row. how pleasant. Now I am on the cusp of worst case scenario would be exactly that. I had my doctors appointment tonight with doctor worrel and he basically told me that best case scenario would be taking time off and then rehab and rowing as much as I could tolerate the pain. I really am at a loss... worst case scenario would be surgery on both hips and no more smu rowing for me. I dont know which one is worse. I identify myself with rowing... it is what my life revolves around. I mean there are days when I am too sick for class but I go to practice. I would be a huge whale of a person if I didnt do rowing. Plus all of my best friends are on my team. The moment I walked out of my appointment I started bawling my eyes out. I literally thought this would be the best year of my life and now it looks like it could be completely different then I expected. I stayed here an extra year so I could row. I wanted to be able to prove to doug that I wasnt a recruiting mistake, that I deserved everything he has done for me, that I can be a team leader. now, i feel like I am gonna be just a girl wasting a scholarship that could have brought another talented rower to the team. Even if I still can row, it will be this BS that I have been doing. Rowing half of the steady state and not at full pressure. Or rowing the whole thing and not being able to walk the rest of the day. I really do not know what to expect from these MRIs (except becky did say the injection hurts..) but I dont know what outcome I want. I feel like I would be wasting the coaches time to be on the team working my butt off, but only able to give 50%. like what is the purpose in that? Wont my teammates get frustrated with me? I mean I would be pissed if someone only did half the workouts and got to race, plus how could i trust them to race all out if they did not do the whole work out?

Okay, so I guess I am being a really really negative nancy, but my world seems to be flipped upside down. I am not allowed to practice tomorrow because this damn fever and now I have all this hip stuff to worry about. I should be working on a paper, but I can't focus. I should probably wrap this up because 1. no one reads it anyways and 2. I am feeling wayyy to sorry for myself.

I guess I really need to be thankful for everything that has been giving to me already. that would make it easier. Count my blessings. Heaven knows I have been given a lot.