I really must be any idiot. Like seriously, what was I thinking. I turned down a date with this nice guy, because I was thrown off by the idea of Cowboy coming home. Okay thrown off might be an understatement. I was literally sick to my stomach. Like monday, I did not go to work because I couldn't keep anything down from anxiety. Anyways, I had fully planned to go out of town this weekend. I was gonna go to Austin or visit the Giant, but alas my boss rejected my request to take off.
So I didn't get off work and I didn't go for drinks with the lawyer. I worked out after work and watched tv with my roomie. Then I laid in bed reading the best book ever. (well one of them) My phone was on silent (didn't want the lawyer drunk dialing me) I check my phone to see the time before I was ready to sleep and I see 5 missed calls and a new voicemail. All from the cowboy. And yep, those calls had just come in, so of course I listen to the voicemessage. He sounded sober, so I called him back. This is when the trouble occurred. We just started talking. He asked how I was, what I had been doing and such. I asked the same of him. We were catching up and it was going well. Then he makes a comment that we both love each other. He starts talking about how he misses me. How he has missed me every day. He confesses that he has signed on to his twitter every three days to stalk mine. He got upset about my facebook profile pic being with another guy. He admitted he had not dated anyone. He asked me if I had. I told him the truth. He told me about how he asked his best friend if he should get back together with me at least 35 times. He claimed he wanted to get back together. He said everything I ever wanted to hear. He talked about how his best friend (who hates me) knew that we would be back together eventually. He talked about trying to win over my siblings and family. He talked about his fears that my best friend hated him. He talked about how scared I sounded. He kept saying he loved me. He kept talking about having me in his arms. He made ridiculous promises. He promised never to hurt me again. He promised he would never give up on us. He promised that if our relationship didn't work out romantically he would do everything he could in order to still be friends with me because he loved me so much he couldn't fathom the idea of not being able to talk to me. He even promised he would see me the next day. He made me promise too. I said that if he called me, I would.
Well the next day occurred, I was tired and irritable. Thats what happens when you stay up until 4 AM on the phone with your exboyfriend. I got my work out in that morning, but had to cut it short. I got to work and had to deal with a mess that my coworker left me. I got bitched out by a client who wanted to talk to a manager, but my manager did not want to deal with it. Needless to say, it was a very shitty day indeed. Some of my colleagues had planned on getting drinks with me after work and since I was skeptical of Cowboy, I continued forward with this plan. I did think I would get a chance to go home and change, but I didn't. I wasn't dressed my best and I did not feel my best, but I went. I also thought that Cowboy would contact me when I got off work because he knew my schedule. It might sound foolish (since really it was predictable) but when it was 1030 and I had not heard from him, I was pissed. I text him asking if he had forgotten the promises he made. No response. I called him thinking he might be busy with his family and I was gonna leave a message. His mailbox was full. He never called back. I text one of his friends he had been the designated driver for that night he called me to see if he had really not drank anything. The guy said he didn't wanna get in the middle of things. Ironic since the reason I had the kids number was because he had given it to me when he tried to butt into our relationship and beg me to stay with Cowboy when he cheated on me. At this point, I was infuriated. How could he do this to me AGAIN? How could I let him? I had never agreed that we would get back together and yet somehow I felt like I was being rejected. I hate rejection. Especially when I feel that I did nothing wrong. Finally, I had to convince myself there was something wrong with him. To prove to myself he was in good health I called him from a blocked phone number (something he does to me ALL the time) and he answered. The moment he heard my voice he hung up. I hope I put the fear of blocked numbers in him as well. But clearly he is healthy and not dead in a ditch somewhere so I guess this is once again no fault but my own.
What had I done? I mean his words the night before were night and day literally. Was there something about stringing me along that he enjoyed? Was it just that he did not want me to be happy without him yet? Did he know that I have kinda been hanging out with other guys? Does he know that in life I am kicking ass and so he cannot have that? It was weird, he kept telling me how happy I sounded on the phone. I really do have it all. I mean I have a great job which I enjoy most days. I have the best friends and family in the world. I have a good body that I work hard to make better. I have an amazing personality and I am lucky to have natural beauty (sorry I am also not very humble) On top of all of that I have never ever had a hard time with obtains the males I want. Maybe he thinks I don't deserve all this? Maybe he just wants me to be as unhappy as his sad pathetic life is? I really wish I knew the answer, but let's face it I never will. I still don't wanna hate him, but for a while I probably will. I also know I don't wanna date anyone seriously still. I really just cannot wait to GTFOOH and start a new life. But alas, I gotta wait for that to happen for me. I will continue doing everything I can to push myself to be the best version of me, but I really do not want the distraction of him. Anyways, hopefully this will be my last blog for a while because I will be out living my life. That might not really be true, but it sounds good doesn't it?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Men
So it's been a little bit since I've posted. I guess part of that has been because I'm so busy. Between work and working out and my ridiculous social life it's been a bit tricky to fit more in. Also I didn't really have anything to say much about. Right now I do though. That being said let's get to it.
I love men. I really do. I love kissing them, dating them, being friends with them, sleeping with them, laughing with them. Whatever. You name it and I would probably enjoy it more with male occupancy involved. That being said men are pigs. It's revolting really how disgusting they are.
I dated a great guy for almost a yer so I am aware they can be a good thing. But also in that time I realized how not good some guys are. I have always had this problem with wanting to be liked. I'm an includer so I invite everyone everywhere and I feel that it's my job to make them enjoy it. I also feel rude not picking up the phone or not responding to texts or emails. That's probably where my downfall lies. I'm aware that with a personality like mine some might think there is more to our relationship than what I say there is, but the thing is when I openly state we are just friends there should be no delusions of my thoughts of you. The fact of the matter is if we get alone well enough and I'm attracted to you I will date you. If it doesn't work out we can still be friends (which is why most of my best guy friends are exes) BUT if I'm not dating you it's because I'm not into you. And this is where it gets interesting to me... If I'm not dating you then you don't get any of the benefits of dating me.
I don't understand how a guy would think that sending a disgusting dick pic would get something in return. Did I request that? Nope. Do I wanna look at that? Nope. Did I ever say anything to make you think I did? Nope. Do I ever send nude pictures out? No way! I don't even think my long distance boyfriend ever got any random nude photos from me. (maybe a partial because I'm nice, but seriously I truste him) so why do guys think it's okay to ask me for pictures? Or why do they think it's okay to send them to me? Did they learn nothin from Boehner? Icant even respond to such things because it grosses me out... And the. I feel rude. Stupid manners!!
On top of all of this, I don't want any of this scum texting me in the middle of the night. Or what worse, some of these guys did it even when I had a boyfriend. It didn't matter that I advised them of his gun collection. Guys are pigs.
The worst kind of guy are the ones in relationships that do this to me. I get frustrated with all the girlfriends o y guy friends because let's face it they hate me. But if they knew the nasty things their boyfriend said to me completely unwarranted then I would hate me too. I just don't understand it. I just want to lecture these guys in this way: You have a girlfriend. You claim you love her and yet you text me late at night or when your drunk or when you are horny or upset or whatever else. I am JUST A FRIEND. You could be single and I would still be just a friend. Why are you in an unhappy relationship and tryin to use me as a distraction? You realize that because of the way you talk to me while you are dating someone else that I would never date you right? I understand that your relationship has problems but talking to me about it instead of her is just going to make it worse. Okay just wanted to be clear.
I swear these fellas are idiots. Love the one you are with or don't be with them. It's simple. I guess this pisses me off a lot more than it should for a few personal reasons though. Honestly I hate that cowboy text another girl in that way when we were dating. I'm sure he didn't ask for pics or dirty text her or anything like that (I say im sure but really who knows anymore. I think he's a higher caliber than that but there's no guarantee) but it sickens me to think how I felt when I found out. When I read those texts I thought I was gonna through up. I couldnt eat for days. I wanted to kill him. So I guess that makes me think worse about these guys. The other thing about it that bugs me is that these guys seem to think I would do those things. I don't think they would ask if they didn't think they could get something from it, but why? What part of me gives off the "I'm gonna send you skanky pics and talk dirty to you" vibe? Is it my confidence? My demeanor? Does that fact that I think I'm sexy and good in bed make men think that I want to share that with them? Seriously I don't get it. I'm glad I give off the "I'm sexy and good in bed" vibe, but seriously that's not something that most know from. Experience.
Okay I'm getting to the rambling point so I'm gonna wrap it up, but really it's no wonder girls are so suspicious and crazy when all guys do things like this.
I love men. I really do. I love kissing them, dating them, being friends with them, sleeping with them, laughing with them. Whatever. You name it and I would probably enjoy it more with male occupancy involved. That being said men are pigs. It's revolting really how disgusting they are.
I dated a great guy for almost a yer so I am aware they can be a good thing. But also in that time I realized how not good some guys are. I have always had this problem with wanting to be liked. I'm an includer so I invite everyone everywhere and I feel that it's my job to make them enjoy it. I also feel rude not picking up the phone or not responding to texts or emails. That's probably where my downfall lies. I'm aware that with a personality like mine some might think there is more to our relationship than what I say there is, but the thing is when I openly state we are just friends there should be no delusions of my thoughts of you. The fact of the matter is if we get alone well enough and I'm attracted to you I will date you. If it doesn't work out we can still be friends (which is why most of my best guy friends are exes) BUT if I'm not dating you it's because I'm not into you. And this is where it gets interesting to me... If I'm not dating you then you don't get any of the benefits of dating me.
I don't understand how a guy would think that sending a disgusting dick pic would get something in return. Did I request that? Nope. Do I wanna look at that? Nope. Did I ever say anything to make you think I did? Nope. Do I ever send nude pictures out? No way! I don't even think my long distance boyfriend ever got any random nude photos from me. (maybe a partial because I'm nice, but seriously I truste him) so why do guys think it's okay to ask me for pictures? Or why do they think it's okay to send them to me? Did they learn nothin from Boehner? Icant even respond to such things because it grosses me out... And the. I feel rude. Stupid manners!!
On top of all of this, I don't want any of this scum texting me in the middle of the night. Or what worse, some of these guys did it even when I had a boyfriend. It didn't matter that I advised them of his gun collection. Guys are pigs.
The worst kind of guy are the ones in relationships that do this to me. I get frustrated with all the girlfriends o y guy friends because let's face it they hate me. But if they knew the nasty things their boyfriend said to me completely unwarranted then I would hate me too. I just don't understand it. I just want to lecture these guys in this way: You have a girlfriend. You claim you love her and yet you text me late at night or when your drunk or when you are horny or upset or whatever else. I am JUST A FRIEND. You could be single and I would still be just a friend. Why are you in an unhappy relationship and tryin to use me as a distraction? You realize that because of the way you talk to me while you are dating someone else that I would never date you right? I understand that your relationship has problems but talking to me about it instead of her is just going to make it worse. Okay just wanted to be clear.
I swear these fellas are idiots. Love the one you are with or don't be with them. It's simple. I guess this pisses me off a lot more than it should for a few personal reasons though. Honestly I hate that cowboy text another girl in that way when we were dating. I'm sure he didn't ask for pics or dirty text her or anything like that (I say im sure but really who knows anymore. I think he's a higher caliber than that but there's no guarantee) but it sickens me to think how I felt when I found out. When I read those texts I thought I was gonna through up. I couldnt eat for days. I wanted to kill him. So I guess that makes me think worse about these guys. The other thing about it that bugs me is that these guys seem to think I would do those things. I don't think they would ask if they didn't think they could get something from it, but why? What part of me gives off the "I'm gonna send you skanky pics and talk dirty to you" vibe? Is it my confidence? My demeanor? Does that fact that I think I'm sexy and good in bed make men think that I want to share that with them? Seriously I don't get it. I'm glad I give off the "I'm sexy and good in bed" vibe, but seriously that's not something that most know from. Experience.
Okay I'm getting to the rambling point so I'm gonna wrap it up, but really it's no wonder girls are so suspicious and crazy when all guys do things like this.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
FRUSTRATION &%^$*
I am super frustrated. Like that doesn't even begin to describe it. I really do NOT understand peoples actions.
That being said, I guess I have to explain some things. Welp, tonight is post night or whatever. It is the night that West Point men and women find out where they will be posted the first 3 years (post training) of their lives. At a time, this night was about where me and Cowboy would be starting our lives. Its SOOO NOT ANYMORE. I do not have a problem with that. I am a teensy bit melancholy, but thank the Lord that I don't have to move to some random Army base. I really don't think I am the Army wife type. I just don't wanna be put second like that all the time. I mean more power to those women, but not really my thing. I have BIG dreams and Fort Benning, GA and wherever else are not gonna be involved. Back to the point, so Cowboy figures out the beginning of his life tonight. In our break up and consequential "keeping in touch" business I made him promise me he would call me and tell me where he got. Last night was wine wednesday and that being the case, I sent him a text. Now this isn't saying I contact him all the time, because I dont. And actually if it was up to me we would NEVER had talked again after we broke up because I was doing just fine without him, but he felt the need to tell me how he missed me and blah blah blah. Anywaysers, my friends had been telling me about how indecisive his facebook was about where he wanted to go. He was asking for advice on light or heavy or asking if he knew people at certain places. My text was about those things. One of the reasons we broke up was so we couldn't hold each other back from our dreams. But him asking all that was like him holding himself back. He knows what he wants. He just needs to decide to take it (this is like that creepy guy from season 5 of dexter "TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!") I text him saying basically follow your heart. I think he is forgetting that he will do amazingly no matter where he goes. He doesn't need to follow all of his friends to Kansas just because it will be fun. Then they will just relive college and who needs that? Cowboy will be an officer now, not just a cadet. I don't want him forgetting that. I think if he can move on from me than why can't he move on from this college life? I guess once again, I just want the best for him. I dont care if thats in Alaska or Germany or maybe it really is in Kansas, but he needs to go where he wants for him not his friends. Additionally, I know more than anything the boy wants to go to war. I don't understand the desire, but people like him are very different than people like me and I am glad he is there to fight for us. Needless to say, I hope for him that he gets to. I hope that he kicks ass and takes names, but doesn't get hurt. I also hope he allows me to stay in touch with him while he is gone. I know that his "best friend" wont really be there because for her when he's out of sight he is pretty much out of mind. And his buddies are kinda slackers. Not sure how okay his parents would be with him gone, but I guess he will find out.
Anyways, I am pretty sure he told my friend he doesn't want me to contact him because he has moved on. Which good for him to claim. I have moved on too. It might not seem like it because I have a blog that has been primarily about him for the past couple weeks, but thats probably because this is it. I dont talk to my family, friends, or colleagues about him anymore for the most part. I also don't have any trouble not contacting him. The funny thing is, I thought he hated me for not contacting him. I thought he resented me for moving on and closing up shop. That was the whole point of my letter. I wanted to show him my little vulnerabilities with us so that he could know he wasn't alone if he was having a hard time. Now I am worried he thinks I want us to be together. I DONT. There are still things fundamentally wrong with our relationship. There are still things that I don't think I ever could get over. Clearly I need to mature some more and I am sure some day I will be over it, but I mean seriously I am not trying to be his Army wife anymore.
Its weird because since we have been broken up, I have been looking forward to this day. This was the last day we promised to have anything to do with one another and it also marks where his life will be without me. I would understand if he did not call me like he promised (hes never really been good with promises) but either way from here on out his life gets to change. I cannot wait to find a new job and know that my life will too. I am terrified my boss will promote me, because I fear I won't be able to turn it down. I need to get out of here and I cannot wait to put it all behind me as well.
I guess I didn't really tie back in the whole frustration thing, but really it was about how he thinks I need to contact him or something. I don't. I also cannot stand the way he presents me to my friends. He facebook chats one of my best friends and then someone brings me up (she swears she didnt) and he tells her he has moved on and he doesn't want me to contact him. EXCUSE ME. I was doing just fine without you drunkenly telling me how much you miss me. oh and then you proclaimed you werent drunk and proceeded to tell me a bunch of other stuff you miss about me. UGH, its beyond frustrating when he paints me in this light to MY friends. It was worse what he said to MY TWIN sister. Did I say she is MY TWIN? yeah because she will hate him forever because to her, he basically acted like the relationship had been over for a while and I was just clinging on and trying to force marriage or something. WHA??? ME+MARRIAGE?? yeah clearly not something I ever came up with on my own because it is not something I see for myself. Anyways, thats where the frustration comes from. Knowing that my friends and family have these skewed visions of our relationship bc ideas he put in their heads. I guess it just amuses me in some ways because he cannot be physically near me and not want to be with me. Like legit could not have conversations with me face to face because I would win if he did. Anyways, now I am sounding bitter so I will stop. But seriously, do you get the frustration???
That being said, I guess I have to explain some things. Welp, tonight is post night or whatever. It is the night that West Point men and women find out where they will be posted the first 3 years (post training) of their lives. At a time, this night was about where me and Cowboy would be starting our lives. Its SOOO NOT ANYMORE. I do not have a problem with that. I am a teensy bit melancholy, but thank the Lord that I don't have to move to some random Army base. I really don't think I am the Army wife type. I just don't wanna be put second like that all the time. I mean more power to those women, but not really my thing. I have BIG dreams and Fort Benning, GA and wherever else are not gonna be involved. Back to the point, so Cowboy figures out the beginning of his life tonight. In our break up and consequential "keeping in touch" business I made him promise me he would call me and tell me where he got. Last night was wine wednesday and that being the case, I sent him a text. Now this isn't saying I contact him all the time, because I dont. And actually if it was up to me we would NEVER had talked again after we broke up because I was doing just fine without him, but he felt the need to tell me how he missed me and blah blah blah. Anywaysers, my friends had been telling me about how indecisive his facebook was about where he wanted to go. He was asking for advice on light or heavy or asking if he knew people at certain places. My text was about those things. One of the reasons we broke up was so we couldn't hold each other back from our dreams. But him asking all that was like him holding himself back. He knows what he wants. He just needs to decide to take it (this is like that creepy guy from season 5 of dexter "TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!") I text him saying basically follow your heart. I think he is forgetting that he will do amazingly no matter where he goes. He doesn't need to follow all of his friends to Kansas just because it will be fun. Then they will just relive college and who needs that? Cowboy will be an officer now, not just a cadet. I don't want him forgetting that. I think if he can move on from me than why can't he move on from this college life? I guess once again, I just want the best for him. I dont care if thats in Alaska or Germany or maybe it really is in Kansas, but he needs to go where he wants for him not his friends. Additionally, I know more than anything the boy wants to go to war. I don't understand the desire, but people like him are very different than people like me and I am glad he is there to fight for us. Needless to say, I hope for him that he gets to. I hope that he kicks ass and takes names, but doesn't get hurt. I also hope he allows me to stay in touch with him while he is gone. I know that his "best friend" wont really be there because for her when he's out of sight he is pretty much out of mind. And his buddies are kinda slackers. Not sure how okay his parents would be with him gone, but I guess he will find out.
Anyways, I am pretty sure he told my friend he doesn't want me to contact him because he has moved on. Which good for him to claim. I have moved on too. It might not seem like it because I have a blog that has been primarily about him for the past couple weeks, but thats probably because this is it. I dont talk to my family, friends, or colleagues about him anymore for the most part. I also don't have any trouble not contacting him. The funny thing is, I thought he hated me for not contacting him. I thought he resented me for moving on and closing up shop. That was the whole point of my letter. I wanted to show him my little vulnerabilities with us so that he could know he wasn't alone if he was having a hard time. Now I am worried he thinks I want us to be together. I DONT. There are still things fundamentally wrong with our relationship. There are still things that I don't think I ever could get over. Clearly I need to mature some more and I am sure some day I will be over it, but I mean seriously I am not trying to be his Army wife anymore.
Its weird because since we have been broken up, I have been looking forward to this day. This was the last day we promised to have anything to do with one another and it also marks where his life will be without me. I would understand if he did not call me like he promised (hes never really been good with promises) but either way from here on out his life gets to change. I cannot wait to find a new job and know that my life will too. I am terrified my boss will promote me, because I fear I won't be able to turn it down. I need to get out of here and I cannot wait to put it all behind me as well.
I guess I didn't really tie back in the whole frustration thing, but really it was about how he thinks I need to contact him or something. I don't. I also cannot stand the way he presents me to my friends. He facebook chats one of my best friends and then someone brings me up (she swears she didnt) and he tells her he has moved on and he doesn't want me to contact him. EXCUSE ME. I was doing just fine without you drunkenly telling me how much you miss me. oh and then you proclaimed you werent drunk and proceeded to tell me a bunch of other stuff you miss about me. UGH, its beyond frustrating when he paints me in this light to MY friends. It was worse what he said to MY TWIN sister. Did I say she is MY TWIN? yeah because she will hate him forever because to her, he basically acted like the relationship had been over for a while and I was just clinging on and trying to force marriage or something. WHA??? ME+MARRIAGE?? yeah clearly not something I ever came up with on my own because it is not something I see for myself. Anyways, thats where the frustration comes from. Knowing that my friends and family have these skewed visions of our relationship bc ideas he put in their heads. I guess it just amuses me in some ways because he cannot be physically near me and not want to be with me. Like legit could not have conversations with me face to face because I would win if he did. Anyways, now I am sounding bitter so I will stop. But seriously, do you get the frustration???
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